Ex boyfriend.

I was doing one of my many deep dives of the social media profiles of people I want to high school with tonight. In this specific deep dive, I came across my ex-boyfriend's old Instagram profile that he never deleted. He's a stronger person than I am, I remember him telling me he was deleting the app almost two full years ago, I know I could never do that. I haven't come across his profile in a while and I haven't really thought about him at all since then either. Or maybe I have and I choose to keep forgetting. Every time I see all his old pictures I get a very distinct feeling in my intestines, it's like I have a little sensory center just for him tucked deep inside me. It's not that I miss him per see, I definitely don't feel love for him the way I used to, but the history is what hurts I think. 

It's hard for me to let go of things and having someone who meant so much to me and my family less than five years ago feel so distant now just makes me feel unwell. I feel guilt, longing, dread, and a wish to change things that I know I can't. The year or so after we broke up was one of the many extremely low points in my life. I found out that my mom was cheating on my dad, something I've kept to myself to this day, I lost all of my friends since everyone chose him after the breakup. I've always been the type to leech friends off other people, after it was my boyfriend it became my best friend, then when I stopped talking to her it became my new best friend, and now it's my new boyfriend. The amount of loss I experienced after the breakup took a significant toll on me, I attempted to go to counseling again but the man I spoke to didn't take me seriously so I had to continue on my own after that. 

I bounced around countless guys online during that year to keep myself occupied and validated. I never sought out male attention before my ex and I got together but after that first hit of what it felt like I don't think I've spent a single month since without being in some kind of small fling with someone if not in an actual relationship. 

In my last year of high school, only about a month before quarantine, he and I actually had a handful of really long and meaningful talks with each other (although I still said a few things I probably shouldn't have). I can't even imagine how much worse off I'd be if those talks didn't happen. They were triggered by an exceptionally bad couple of months where all I could think about was how many regrets I had surrounding him so I sent him about 3 paragraphs worth of explanations and apologies. I'm lucky that he received that so well because I think lots of people wouldn't have. 

I look back on that relationship with a lot of love and gratitude and I do wish things ended differently, mostly for his sake. But things can't change, and i just need to learn to get over it and move on.