Scarcity Complex.

Growing up poor was extremely difficult for me and my family and I think it’s created some severe long-term problems around my outlook on life. Today I told my boyfriend about a dream I had last night where I was gifted $3000 but when I woke up and remembered how little money I actually have I got really sad. I didn’t think much of it at first because this is just a normal process for me but then he got serious and told me that the way money affects me really concerns him. 

I grew up in a low income neighbourhood full of crime and addiction because that’s all my parents could afford. They did their best for me, put me in school in another part of the city, made sure I had good holidays and such. But there was always that stark contrast between how I lived and how the kids around me lived. The other kids weren’t on meal plans and didn’t have to go to the food bank. Even my own cousins lived a dramatically more privileged life than me. I remember my parents would always tell me explicitly that we “had no money” when I would ask for toys or to go to the zoo. I don’t think I’ve ever been to the zoo with my parents. 

My dad is disabled so I only live in a single income household, I started working as soon as it was legal. And it still always felt like I never had enough money. Paying bills and buying food since I was 15. And now that I’m living away from home, going to school, being unemployed for the first time in years, I feel like every cent I spend is setting myself up for failure. I think about money constantly and how I never have enough of it. I look at things I want to buy and I echo the same words that I was told my whole life, “I have no money”.  

It’s hard to move on from this mindset since it’s something I’ve had hardwired into my brain. But hopefully I can get a new job soon and work on not feeling so constrained by my finances.