Jealousy.

I find myself being jealous often, and these feelings are directed towards almost everyone in my life. My fear of missing out has been a problem for as long as I can remember, maybe that’s part of my only child syndrome, but even then I’ve felt guilt about it too. Which sucks because I’m top of already feeling bad about the things other people are doing, I feel worse about feeling bad in the first place. 

My best friend got a girlfriend this week and I am happy for him, but situations like these are especially hard for me. I only have two friends and a boyfriend so it’s hard for me to stomach the idea that my best friends are meeting people who they like more than me. And being in a long distance relationship makes seeing anyone with a happy love life extremely difficult. Especially when it’s someone so close to me who I have to hear about directly all the time. 

I recently started unfollowing people on Instagram who post their significant others too often because it was making me physically sick seeing them all the time. I think being in a long distance relationship is one of the worst parts of my life. I see couples all the time on campus, in the city, and online who get to just be together and it’s so gut wrenching. I told myself I wouldn’t be in a long distance relationship ever again after my unfortunate situation I went through in high school, but yet I’ve ended up here again. Not by my choice, my boyfriend and I both moved for reasons against our will. But that almost makes it worse. Because we spent the whole first part of our relationship as a normal couple and got taken away from each other, i know what I’m missing. In high school I didn’t know what physically being with this person was like so I didn’t know what to miss. Now I do. And I see it all around me all the time. 

Jealousy is so ugly and so avoidable, but yet I never pull myself out of it. I let it consume me every time.