Being a woman.

Being a woman is incredibly bittersweet. 

I have a hard time sorting out my feelings around it because sometimes I feel like I'm so blessed to have this body and everything that comes with it, but other times it fills me with the most intense dread imaginable. It's hard to be happy with being a woman when so many external pressures are constantly weighing down on me. I want to be able to exist and love and take in all life has to offer me but society seems to tear down everything I have. 

I want to love my body for its warmth, softness, and sensitivity to the outside world, but yet I'm told to hate everything about it. I want to form meaningful connections with other women and love those around me, but everyone is so hateful and we've created competitions amongst ourselves. Behind every positive, I can find there's an even stronger force pushing back on it. 

There's a lot of uncertainty with being a woman, I look at the world and see trans women being killed, young women being killed in favour of sons, mass femicide and mass assaults targeted towards us simply for existing. I feel unsafe when I'm alone and I've developed social anxiety that prevents me from living my life to the fullest. I see the united states where women's rights to their own bodies are being taken away, surely Canada will follow. 

Sometimes I think being dead would be easier than being a woman.