like ladybird and her mom

I had already decided before that I am going to live my life alone, I don't have any plans to marry or have children. Growing up in this household made me insane, I know something is wrong with me and my mother would be the first person I would blame. What is it with mothers that treat their eldest daughter like shit? the person I hate the most would be my mom and my sympathy towards her, I don't love my mom, I pity her. If her life is going downhill my life should also be downhill, if my mother is living in hell, I should also live in hell. My mother gave her life to us and in return, she can do anything with it, I live my life with guilt. I plan to work so hard to pay off everything to my mother, then maybe I can leave this world, peacefully. How can I go through living knowing my mom planned to abort my brother and failed? my brother grew up with a disability and I know he's feeling these things way heavier than me, I wish my brother would live a happier life and doesn't think the way I am, I am miserable every day and until next month, next year, or until even to my last breath. I will work hard to pay for everything for my mother. Sometimes I daydream about a life where I feel no guilt and my mother didn't give birth to me, and maybe her life was way better, If I could go back in time I will do anything so that my mother would not decide to give birth to us and convince her living her life in her own pace would cause her great happiness but it's all just me, daydreaming. My life is miserable because my mother is also a miserable mess.