Random.. don’t read ig

Most of this is going to be me rambling on how I feel and stuff that’s happening in my life lately. It’s mostly bs so I don’t suggest reading it.

So, I didn’t want to come back to this website.. but it’s my safe space. Every time I let my emotions out on here, I feel so much better… I really need to come here even if just for today. 

I’m starting to feel lost again, or rather misguided. 

I know what I should focus on/ prioritize, but it’s hard when half of the time I lack motivation and energy to continue. But it’s even more than that. It’s like I’m in a loop where I want to shut everyone out bc I realize that nobody truly matters and I was I put onto this earth unwillingly, to live a life I did not want to live… to interact with people I do not want to interact with. To be worried about pointless things, to eat, to think, to BREATHE are all things I did not ask for but yet I have to do it anyways.. it just puts me into a state of laziness and depression. 

While other days I’m extremely manic and full of inspiration and hope for my future. 

Only when I’m high is when I don’t have a care about anything that’s going on in my life. It feels like my life is splashed with color. Like I can see my life with lenses of my childhood self. 

Nights like this remind me why I wanted to kill myself so bad.

But I can’t, I won’t.. 

It’s just that my existence pisses me off so ferociously that I want to rip my skin off and cry.

Ugh… I fucking hate myself.