1/22/23

I dont feel like myself. I was working on storyboarding this next video and i felt as though this would be the final dance in terms of music. After looking through my notes at old stuff i wrote i got the feeling that im never going to be able to be that creative again. This is obviously false because i felt that way in early 2021 and proceeded to create what i fear ive lost, but i dont know why i feel this way and i fear that overthinking this is going to lead to the permanent loss of my ability. Ive seen so many rappers start promising careers and then flop after their first album and i promised myself that I would never do that. I cant do that because without this outlet i truly have nothing in the way of a purpose. Maybe its because I feel alone and that without connection there’s nothing to draw from. And i dont know how to form new meaningful connections because i automatically assume that people arent going to like me, as well as assume that the people that do are going to betray my trust or show themselves to be exactly what i feared they were going to be. Its paradoxial in a sense. I need connection to fulfill my purpose, but as soon as i reached where ive so long desired in terms of expression, i face the likelihood of the absence of any connection. Or perhaps it is because ive been forced to see academic achievement (not education those are different things) as a measure of self worth, despite my deep animosity and hatred toward that very system due to how exploitative and pretentious it all it. But even now i have the cushion of my few remaining extra-familial connections. In six months’ time ill have none of that cushion, and i’ll need to make the very thing which i despise my top priority or risk bankruptcy or the permanent severance of connections with my family with the slim hope that im successful in music, which again i feel as though i cannot create in that environment. So i believe that i am a bit stuck, but not without escape. After the release of this final single, i am going to shoot the remaining promotional videos, release anything that i have a burning desire to that ive made in the last 2 years, and separate myself from this era forever. Perhaps then i can find a new purpose behind my music, a new thread that binds it whilst maintaining the general sonics that make me who i am, and start anew. This fixation with the past is only going to draw me under. These loose ends have been driving me crazy and rather than attempt to tie them and lose myself in the process, im going to sever them where they last held and appreciate them for what they are. Apart from that though, i cannot try to reconcile the two conflicting parts of my psyche called past and future through the present. I must start anew and live within myself. Alone but not disinterested.