grief sucks

my boyfriend and bestfriend died on december 13 2022, i was the first one at the accident and i cannot shake the feeling that someone is punching me in the stomach. i lost my mother and now the only person who ever made me feel anything. i still sleep in his clothes every night. he was in a motercycle accident, a truck turned too early and it wasnt enough time for my boyfriend to slow down so he rammed right into the truck. he was brain dead on impact, but all of his bones were broken. when the officer told me something happened i dropped to the floor and sat there shaking screaming and crying. i threw up three times that night from anxiety. i cannot stop thinking about his familys face when they arrived at the accident, it haunts me. and the weird thing is, everynight i have a dream where my boyfriend comes to me and tells me, "its okay, im okay and alive". and i wake up with the same feeling i had that night. and my bestfriend dropped me because he "needed to work on himself without the distraction of girls. smh