the calm before my storm

this weekend has turned into an entire blur. which is good! i'm not excited for tomorrow. i know i should be but i don't know... i always feel like i've never prepared enough for these things even though i'm always too exhausted to actually do the work. i'm auditioning for my first college tomorrow, and everything else is butting in on the zen moment i'm trying to create in my mind before everything.

sage doesn't seem to give a fuck and is probably too busy trying to be with chase to reach out. which makes sense she doesn't know anything is wrong. linnea messaged me saying something about my feelings for her or something because i took too long to dump them and now idk what to do/say because i'm trying to fucking focus on my audition. and it's because of junior. they've been pissing me off for weeks now and i'm just supposed to sit idly by and say it's okay because i'm a nice person? i've been trying to be nice to junior for weeks and i trusted him and he lets this slip to linnea? it doesn't matter if he thinks it's right, it was never his shit to say. i played minecraft for a good five minutes last night. ben was on our world and i didn't want to call because i didn't wanna play for long. me and my mom just got finished arguing, so of course i didn't want to talk. and i left and said sorry for being emo because i didn't wanna talk and of course ben messages me what's wrong and of course i don't see it because i'm not looking anymore.

my songs for the audition are ready. my monologues are maybe ready? i know i'm not ready. i feel suspended between imposter syndrome and complete self-centeredness. is that a word? 

not to mention how my mother keeps pushing me to plan this birthday party and i feel like no matter what we do it'll look trashy. because maybe i'm trashy. because the venue is trashy and i have poor taste or whatever is the problem.

i watched she loves me and started kinky boots this weekend. musicals are so fun i don't know why they aren't marketable to younger audiences. who wouldn't want a spectacle to stimulate their mind for two hours before remembering the truth?

i've been doing yoga/should be doing pilates to try and calm myself down. it's not working. i've mainly been stress eating... the food is good but i always feel guilty.

i hate feeling guilty.

i literally turned all communications off this weekend; instagram, text messages, everything. i can't fail this audition. and this isn't helping.

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