1/7/23

Fatherhood. This is a concept that has always been dismissible to me in that i never wanted to have kids out of fear of wasting 18 years of my already short life. However as i think about it more i realize that its out of fear of my own inadequacy. Relationships. Both romantic and platonic. I have always yearned for the true and undivided love of another, but my own inadequacy has robbed me of this opportunity thus far. As for platonic ones, i am far too critical to even know what i want in a friend, and too untrusting to introduce those who i dont already know into my life. However i believe that i do have some purpose. I dont know what it is, but as with all people it will likely be introduced to me (albeit in its infancy) in the coming 4 years. With this purpose will come both types of relationships, as these are the defining characteristics of life, which is the the tree that holds the leaves of purpose. But will it die with me? I have been disturbed (or perhaps comforted) by the thought that my life is to serve as the prelude for something more grand. But in that smaller scope i sense more fulfillment than that that comes with the finality of an event, discovery, or whatever i am designed to set up. Perhaps fatherhood is necessary for that reason.