Entry #022 - Well, No Major Hang-Ups

Content warning: discussion of mental illness/unwellness, general negativity

Regarding one of my entries (#20) from the last month or so, I am mildly pleased to report that I've experienced zero hang-ups at the end of 2022. Everything went smoothly... it's WEIRD. 

January has arrived, and our landlord did not increase our rent. My bills are still getting paid. The holidays were drama-free. I'm still mostly enjoying my bakery job. My husband and I fall deeper in love with each passing day. Things are strangely good right now. 

I want to feel happy for myself, but that's where the seasonal depression + anxiety come in to stop me lol. When things seem too good to be true, it's usually because they aren't true. My anxious little peanut brain is trying to warn me that something is about to go wrong at any moment, because it always does, and I can't relax or focus. 

My depression feels like a fog. 

I feel like I am walking through a fog at all times, cautiously, making slow and unsure movements so I don't trip and fuck myself up. I can't see where I'm going or where I've been. It's holding me back from being social or productive. This depression is a breeding ground for guilt and other negative feelings to bubble up like a fungus... I've been so antisocial and unproductive, at least to my own standards.

I've also been feeling insecure lately. Dumb little things that do not typically bother me are feeling like much bigger things. For example, I baked some blueberry muffins for my 2 roommates, because I'm always trying to prove myself to them somehow, and nobody ate any LOL. I'm not sick anymore... I was sick with a horrible cold for 3 weeks straight, but I'm not currently sick... so truly I don't know why my germ-free muffins weren't good enough for them.

I packed up my Christmas tree not even 2 full days after Christmas because looking at the damn thing was making me feel unhappy. I tried to go all-out and make our household as festive as possible throughout December, but I feel like nobody appreciated my efforts at all. I tried so hard to cheer up the place and nobody cared.

Despite how poor my mental state has been, I have not resorted to my usual self-destructive behaviors. The Ol' Faithfuls. No, I've been good. (Fun fact: BPD can go into remission, and you can go extended periods of time without exhibiting any symptoms at all. However, when the symptoms do return, it feels hellish. It feels like failure. Add a sprinkle of imposter syndrome.)

Not only do I want to avoid disappointing my husband, but I also need to keep my body in decent shape while I get some stuff sorted out with my new doctor. She's wonderful and I'm actually feeling optimistic about my health goals with her.

I guess my plan is to maintain a steady pace of taking things day by day, and listening to my body when I'm fatigued and in need of a break. Maybe I'll feel better in another month or two.

Sigh.