Sunday was a bright day yesterday Dark cloud has come into the way They sing to the darkest night Long before Why can't I face it Am I too blind to see Why did he go Why did he leave me

God knows how many hours I've wasted stammering in circles on this site, pointlessly shouting my annoyance at deadlines and entertaining no one but my ego, and I'm sick and tired of it. Enough's enough, new year, new me, so I'm logging on to log off. 

Counterproductive, I know. Why make a show of getting off a stage if no one's in the audience? 

Man, I'm good. I should stay on. 

I just feel as though at a certain point education into things you've not set as prospects is just a waste of time. I've been sitting here, miserable about an overdue paper, that, in all honesty, isn't even that bad, it's just long and endless and not what I need to be doing. 

It's productive of course to do any work at all...like this paper. But in the long run, how productive is it really? I'll learn some sort of valuable experiential writing skill from it, but other than that, I'm not gaining anything but a general idea of the disinformation surrounding Critical Race Theory. 

Now, I'm not saying that General Education, especially into things like CRT isn't important, because it is, that's how people become educated about other people and that's what makes the world go round, we all know that. but there comes a point where I feel as though the fact that I have to set aside time for those academic papers is eating into my ability to actually create things contributing to my prospective artists' future.  

Here is my dilemma, though. Even though at this moment I am frozen in this limbo of uncertainty between being worried about being so outrageously late with this paper for a professor whose time I am gambling with (and the clock is ticking down!) and being inspired creatively, I still feel as though I should be learning the life skill this situation is giving me. 

I'm aware of the skill, I'm just stubbornly refusing to learn it out of either laziness or general anxiety. Having to balance schoolwork and creative work is something I would have to do in the real world in my later life, although the schoolwork would be replaced with the chores of adult life. It's just fucking infuriating to spend so much time on a piece of academic writing while my creative writing, or whatever the hell, rots. I'm sucked dry of writing patience by the time I have the space in my schedule for creative stuff. 

My work ethic is not great and I get that this is like training for the Olympics or something, but fuck me it's hard. 

Happy New Year. I can't believe it's 2023. 2022 was a milestone in my life in so many ways and I hoped I'd leave it feeling surer in my future. Sunday was a bright day yesterday. Today I played football and now I'm crying. Happy new year. Don't forget that with no failure, there's no success. If you don't try, you'll never know. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. 

Love to you all.