12/31/22

Today is the last day of 2022. Its also the last day before i enter my graduation year. I dont believe in the whole new year new me shit cuz its impossible to change completely on a whim. However it is both possible and important to begin changing in smaller ways. For me thats going to have to be in changing my mindset. Ive already been accepted to college so i dont have to worry about that, but i do have to worry about what i want to do in life. No longer do i have the luxury of regarding the future as some foreign and far off entity. In terms of college im accepted to MSU, so im very grateful to both God and my parents for giving me the resources i need to be here. However i know i cant just go to college, get a degree, and slave away for socialites to be happy. I get terrified when i think about living somebody else’s life over again, and being stripped of what makes me me by time. I also get scared that nobody cares about me, and that that’ll never change not because they’re bad people, but because i actually am a weirdo and a problem and that theyre right to manipulate me and keep me at arms distance. I really need music to work out. I enjoy it and it makes me feel like im actually doing something worth my time because it gives me a platform through which i can amass a group of people that think like me, a behavior which has never been looked highly upon. During my entire time living where i do, ive lived, and seen people that hate me copy my personality in time in the name of trends and such. Some of them have seen success from it. I hate them, but there’s no use in crying about it because od they can make it by being fraudulent than i can twice over by doing it better. Ik thats malicious because there are some people i want to prove myself to through both my lyrics and success, and i know that isnt healthy but it is motivation. And motivation is what i need to harness and abuse going into 2023. These next 6 months are really make or break because if i dont build a core following or get something done in that regard im fucked. Im not gonna have the time to build myself from nothing getting a major in fucking computer science. Senex is getting positive reception so thats good. That shows me i have what it takes. Now its time to put some work behind it. Its also time to leave all the stuff in the past that weighed me down where it belongs. That means a goodbye to Claire, a goodbye to any negative action i took against the upper class that could get me in legal trouble, a goodbye to any day that i didnt accomplish something that would drive me even closer to where i want to be. With that said, 2022 has been a pretty good year despite its drawbacks. It gets tiring hearing the same people complain about every year since 2016 like its the year’s fault that they havent done anything. That terrifies me, because i know imagination and optimism fades as you age and i dont want to be like that. But i have to try while i have the chance. To anybody who actually reads these entries im sorry for the dumping but if you understand i love you. And to my future self inevitably reading this at some point in the future, i hope you’re doing so with relief, and the knowledge that youve made your younger self proud. If you aren’t, youre probably close to suicide wondering where it all went wrong. Please dont do it and use the urgency in this message as a tool to build yourself back up because its never too late. Maybe change ur name though cuz that could sorta be a metaphor for letting go of the past. I hope you dont have to though. I really like it and hope i can keep it. Its cool. And that goes for anybody reading this regardless of what your chosen avenue in life is. Its never too late to do what you love, and by extension, what you were meant to do. Thank you 2022 for everything youve allowed me to accomplish, and the development i experienced within those 12 months. Thank you to my supporters for letting me know that im not crazy and making me feel valued, as well as believing in both what it is i am trying to do, and the message im attempting to convey. I walk into 2023 anxious as fuck and a little scared. But i will put in the work and claw myself to where i want to be. By any means.