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i can feel that im falling into another depressive state. it's worse than before. i despise myself. there's so much more burden. this is why i feared to be 16. i dont get to be myself, it's suffocating me. i can barely do what i like. i can barely express myself. 

"no one will know how you feel unless you speak up."

if that's the case then no. no, i dont want to do it.

"all you ever say is no.."

what else can i do? i put myself at an disadvantage to accommodate for you and say yes but all of a sudden saying no isn't okay either? what bullshit is this? i shouldnt let others step over me but i shouldnt be speaking up for myself. such bullshit. it's all for your convenience, it never had anything to do with me. im nothing until i have a use. its okay for you to do things but i get in trouble for it. if that was the case then there was no point in trying to keep me alive.

and stop trying to split me from my family. my mum is the only issue. i love everyone else. i do want to be home. i do want to spend time with my family. but when i stand up for my family, im unreasonable, ridiculous. at least they never pressure me as much.

i dont know where else to go. maybe i do need to die sooner.