oh yeah i exist only conditionally:::content warning: death

recently ive been hearing a lot about death and also having a lot of close calls (many cars have almost hit me as of late for some reason)

one day you can literally just die, something in your artery explodes or your liver screenshots and thats it you're gone. No way to save you, no way to prevent it, no way to know. Or you do know and you have to dread that day, living everyday on eggshells? Or if it was an accident. Or caused by another person. God, then imagine the what ifs. What if you got sick, and missed this thing you had? and you came back home alive? what if you just werent there...

grief is so heavy and complicated. years later i am still dealing with 15 year old shock. 16 year old confusion and anger. and eternal grief, which keeps me in a horrifyingly dense cube. 

god recently ive been super paranoid im going to die. if this is spoken into existence that would be so messed up. but everyones gotta go sometime, and at one point thats the only place we are all guaranteed to be... dead. its such a scary thing because usually its painful to go. but i dont believe being dead is the worst thing. im really scared to lose more people. its going to happen one day, i know, and one day the number of dead people i know will be a double digit and no longer just a few. 

my grandmother lived to be very old and only passed away when i was around 10 years old. How i would love to see my 10 year old stupid ass morally corrupt justice wearing grandchild.        

something i would probably regret in the future is that i never was a dancer. i always loved ballet. its hard for me to find that stuff now for adults but im trying and hopefully this wont be a regret. i dont have many other things that im upset over. maybe id wish i apologized more, or was nicer, or was meaner. I certainly feel like I can stand up for myself and that I am brave, I have a voice, and I have proven to myself (which is the world) that i exist and have something to live for. 

there is a lot of hope that i have for the world, curiosity, whatever. but i mainly miss my friends. i would do anything, trade anything, to see them again. like . literally anything. satan if you are looking for a soul im just saying im thinkin of selling