one month aniversery date

today it started off with us finishing finals and walking out of school during lunch. I said goodbye to friends and felt my hand shaking a bit. i met up with adam and lindsay was right in front of us,,,, yikes,,, but it was funny lol. he bought me (a first) tai iced tea that was HUGE jesus christ it was large. we sat on the bench and talked kind of akwardly about nothing, just vidoes we had seen stuff like that. then tory picked us up felt like i was excluding him from the converstaion lmao. 

When we got home we played with indie and he mocked my catching and throwing abilities. we kind of went back and fourth from inside the house to outside to inside to outside. eventually we get to the part where we gave our gifts. we hugged and he got me a flask??? strange but i apreciate it and a charger for the camera :) i got him a donald duck keychain, a huge ass thing of coke, and some hersheys kisses. he couldnt take the food or drink home because he thought his parents would get mad or get suspicious or somthing like that. 

we then got on the couch outside and finally got some time for coddling lmao. we just held eachother. for a long time, it felt like a needed breath of fresh air in some way. we were fianlly in eachothers arms and he just went on his long speeches about how much i mean to him. its hard to think that anyone could feel that twards me. its still hard for me to fathem that he really feels those things, twards me specifically. while i do beleie he loves me in some capacity i think alot of the new found overwhelming feelings is hormones, but never the less the feelings are real.  for me twards him, and him twards me, feel real. i eventually couldnt take it and gave him a couple kisses on his cheek. not much but enough to make him nervous haha.

 we were relucdantly pulled away from our stong hold, and began decorating for christmas together. not something i normally do with enthusiasm, but tory was happy and it was with adam so i was able to remain stable throughout the entire prossess. it felt very domestic him being there, like somthing i would offhandly day dream about. Because i know myself, if he wasnt actually there i would wonder to myslef what it would be like if he was. so the fact he was there felt almost like a dream. 

once done we went straight back to coddling, we talked went on soeeches and just held eachother. i really needed it. ifelt so recharged after. wierd thing but his hair smells really good, and hes built really well as stupid as that sounds. i loved that i got held this time too, i like being big spoon or the mommy pose but i also enjoy being coddled. 

eventually we went and walked the dog, holding hands most of the way. we reamrked a couple times about how nice it was to have nomore inbetween an couldnt have agreed more. while walking we ended up just stopping multiple times to just, hold eahtoher. literally do nothing more than sit or stand or whatever and just, hold eachother. he would sort of whisper "this is just what you wanted do isnt it" "yeah it is" "good, me too". his heart beat was so loud too. but, nothing good lasts forever. we fianlly embarked home. holding hands, him hinting that i should kiss him (because hes a pussy and too scared to do it himslef lmao). and i really wanted to, but it just didnt seem right, he didnt seem ready if that makes sense. like he clearly wated it, but maybe i wasnt ready? i tend to see romace as little inoccent moments. but kissing is one of those inncoent moments? hell i would say i image more people in "7 postions" then i do anything as innocent as that. but it just didnt seem right? 

we get back to my house. and im sad cause hes leaving soon, we get a little more coddling in . then he has to leave. i get up and force him to hug me, neither of us let go for a while. he says "its not liek i want to go, but,," i kiss him on the cheek and he asks "what are you not gonna kiss me" i sort of roll my eyes and give him a very rushed kiss. not to be mean but you can tell this was his first time lol. i apologized for it "sucking so bad haha" he says "well lets try again. kisses me, still not great (well work on it) and then flustered walks away grabs his stuf and mouths "shit i hope your parents didnt hear that" he leaves. i feel like a middle schooler. it was a really great night but the kiss sullied it for me and i thin kalso him. he texted me later apologizing for forcing me to kiss him. which he didnt but it definitely wasnt great. but hes great and i do love him. im chosing to focous on everything else from tonight rather than the kiss. thats what im doing by writing this haha. okay im done bye bye