SP/SO 974(136)

Just deleted my fucking blog entry by accident.

Ermm so ANYWAY enneagrammer universe typed me as a SP/SO 974(136), and it was surprising and devastating but also pleasant, and I'm going to talk about it instead of attempting to write creatively like I want.

9w1 news

• 1 is a hell number never comfortable number
• Aw, it's nice of them to type me as 9w1
• This makes sense, and I'm ashamed I spent two years in denial, but also I'm so confused how they saw it
• The 1 type description is the only description I've cried over

9-7 swag news

• Hey my mom has this swag (is totally normal and chill about it NOT)
• Another hell number
• I must be way more "manic" than I think
• And also positive outlook
• 7 is the number I thought "huh it's funny I have no 7 in my type because these specific recurring significant feelings would conceptually seem very 7"
  

In conclusion: my enneagram type is way more in my soul than I thought.. lol. With 9w8 I thought "wow I hate my type it's like a force moving around the outside of my body that I can't control." With 9w1 I think "wow I hate my type it's like a force inside of my body that I can't control."

And 9-7 swag makes me think that the aforementioned specific recurring significant feelings are less random things that happen passively to me, and more things I unconsciously induce! I unconsciously seek out! My psychological structure might be programmed to just torture me this way ESPECIALLY when it's harmful and I hate it.... LOLL!

Also makes me think: I'm a weirdo... I keep thinking of that scene in Severance where Ms. Casey is like, "I know people think I'm weird." That's what keeps popping up in my head. I know being a 974 isn't that special but it still makes you weird and talk about nonsense all the time.. which is exactly what I was like as a child and still am today. 

So yeah I went from identifying as a reactive adjacent 9 just to a frustration adjacent 9 (which is wayy more painful for me). Thank you, Enneagrammer! The information is actually very useful, but I keep thinking it will be revoked at any moment. "Sorry, you weren't actually the type we said you were." 

But assuming the type is correct (which I really should just let myself fully accept, at least temporarily so I can let it sink in and have an honest impression about it for a fucking moment)... err it makes sense but is also really sad and isolating. I don't get the sense that people feel they can "communicate" with me. I've definitely had deep & intimate moments with people before, but I don't get the sense that people see me as as present as other people they talk to, I'm elsewhere. People have always told me things like I seem perpetually high, I'm hard to read, I have "scary" eyes (which is kind of an edgy compliment I guess but it's not like I can immediately make them "unscary").

Though according to the All Knowing Enneagram Expert at my school, I don't have a one wing and my seven fix is not observable whatsoever. So thanks for your opinion, LOL. (I think he just liked when he could use his bias that 6s=closeminded against me, and he could also point out my imperfectness/cruelty with the 8 wing) (one day he may be able to conceptualize the imperfection & cruelty of wing 1 and the closemindedness of 7s but it's hard for him) (I hate him unreasonably).