the cure to growing up

i think i learned how to smile at nineteen. sometimes i look back on the grandest days of my life. there aren't that many, but there are some. like last October and how i felt like i was showing myself to people for the first time in my whole life. because in some way i was. so i made it as grand as i could. there are some people in this world who want to impact people in very direct ways. like 'i want to study psychology so i can help people' and 'i want to be a doctor or a nurse so i can help people' and those are usually pretty attainable goals if you want them. but when you want to help people with art? i think its a much bigger gamble. because its not guaranteed in any way. if you want to be a nurse you go to nursing school and you're a nurse doing nurse things at a hospital. if you want your art to mean something to other people ... well maybe you have to be special. i've just been thinking. sometimes i feel like the people who are famous are just perfectly that, famous. even people who started out like you and me. you look at someone and it just kind of makes sense no matter who they are. so what makes someone special? are you born with it? is it written in the stars? some kind of prophecy? decided for you even if it takes thirty years? i mean its silly to think that right. deep down we're all people. normal to some extent. i think.

the other night i was so devastated i could not advance my life quicker than i thought i would. i have to do something else first. but i got so comfortable with the thought. i let it linger in my brain and i was just so sure. i had a little feeling. and then as soon as everything unveiled itself the feeling left me. for context my intuition is really terrible. those weird videos were they make you guess the color of something? always wrong. always. but this feeling, its like i just knew. so when something doesn't happen its like what? how? didn't i know? did i let myself get comfortable for nothing?

the best piece of advice i ever got was to take things step by step. thats the only way i've ever gotten anything done. so i figure this is just another step. broken down into smaller and smaller ones until the next step is to press a key on my keyboard or take a breath or even make my heart beat. 

so... specialness. or whatever it is. predestined? who knows.i really really don't. the feeling isn't so sure either. the only thing i really know is that i can't really settle. i've never been able to. i get worried about turning into certain things and i remind myself that if you don't want to be something or do something, you won't. you just won't. 

to quote a certain prophet... 

you're nothing special. except.. what if you are?