I'm really confused and angry, there's nothing more to that

It was revealed to me a few weeks ago that some concerning things happened to me when I was a child. I don't know what I would label it. Perhaps being sexually taken advantage of. I know that I do not remember it. I know that there has been multiple recalled incidents of this happening from family members. I don't know to the extent of what happened. I don't know if he went further. The unknowing is the anger, the frustration, the rage. I feel like I'm being stabbed over and over again. I feel like an anvil has been dropped on me. That after years of stress and built up tension on the rope it finally cut loose. How do I react? How do I feel. I've lost a lot recently. I can't afford to loose more. How do I relive myself from this built up pension? For to hurt one is something I can not do but to hurt myself, I am capable. Because not only is this resting on my conscience but so is the past relationships that have been doomed to fail. My pondering and constant questioning to my own mind is being teased with. I struggle to cope, to understand and process correctly. For I cannot become whole again because every person that I've ever talked too has taken a piece out of my soul. A piece that I willingly gave to them in hopes that I would never have to part full ways with it just to be crushed by that same anvil of truth that no one is truly there for you other than yourself. It is the most soul drenching feeling of sorrow and guilt that you are not good enough let alone doing enough to even be considered as good. I want to hit and punch and scream. But if I hit and punched and screamed I would only become what everyone thinks I am. I do not want to prove them right. I am scared of becoming that person because that person is what I despise. To kill or to be killed. To live is just to fall asleep, while dying is to awaken.