Hospital time.

I can say that the psych ward isn’t bad at all.. a little stressful, but it’s a mini break from reality.

Ik it’s home for the suicidal and the mentally unwell but I feel like it’s somewhere I needed to be at the time.

But, I think in someway.. I’m doing unwell..

Even though I’m checking some of things I was aiming for, like getting my car, and getting a full time job, I am still lacking something emotionally.. or maybe even mentally.. 

I still tend to feel low.. or I care less about how I live my life.. But not by making reckless decisions or becoming rebellious.. but by not caring if my life is on the line. Or just doing things simply because I feel like it’s an obligation. 

Like realizing that the only way to get somewhere in life is to obtain a car, but to get a car you need a license, and to pay for a license you need a job.. and so on and so fourth.. but I’m not rlly doing things bc that’s what I truly want or feel like I truly need..

I can’t explain it properly but.. I feel as if I’m burdened by the fact that I’m alive and that I actually have to life my life.. that I actually have to age and experience emotions or certain situations.. I’m mad that I exist. When I don’t want to.. like I would give my life up if I knew that there would be no pain for me or my family. (Im not suicidal)

Im just living without fear of death.