the same

the certainty of a funeral
an inevitable calendar square
i see my future

preemptive grief
to get ahead of it
to bear it bit by bit while it's still bearable
to chop it up into reasonable amounts

pinned between my estrangements
heavy little feet that stomp and hear nothing
not a word would change the state of my lungless crying
privately, stubbornly alone

why can't i why can't i why can't i why can't i why the fuck can't i why can't i just why can't i