I wish I was better

I wish I looked better. Better body. Skinny. Flat chest. Better looking. Clean face. Smaller thighs and ass. Smaller stomach. Better hands. Longer hair. I would if I could change everything about me. But I can’t. I’m to lazy. I have myself. Everything about me. I’m so self centered. I always ruin something. It’s how I get my anger out. But when I do someone’s mad at me. I get mad at myself for the way I let myself turn out. I wanna hurt myself. I can’t. I can only bang my fists or my head on a wall. I want to pass out every time I’m mad. I hurt the ones around me. Sometimes I wanna hurt them physically. I mom says keep the anger back at the trailer. But it won’t let me go. It’s like a monster that’s attached to me. That’s all my emotions. I think of the monster as this huge ugly monster. One time I snapped at my mom and I wanted to scream at her and attack her. She says I’m making a big deal out of it. That’s how I fucking am. I just wanna angrily scribble all over me.