i wish i could split from everybody again.

man,,,,, idk!!! i feel like when i'm not splitting, i have to uphold this,,,,,,,, image of myself. that i'm a good person. i have responsibilities. i have people i care about. and caring about them isn't a burden, but splitting is such a freeing feeling. i hate it and,,, i don't think i love it. but i love it. because when i split, i don't have to care about feeling responsible or obligated to take care of myself, or others (writing this and realizing that i need to find another therapist asap). but when i come out of it, i just feel this immense guilt and shame because i love love. i love loving the people in my life, and i can't fathom that i ever thought of them and felt disdain.