mento illnez vent !!! tw 4 grooming & abuse

very sad tonight and i don't understand why :( i don't ever understand myself. nothing bad happened today, my brain just,,,, wants to make it bad. i tried my best to be productive and alleviate my depressive symptoms but i think it just made me feel worse; the fact that no matter how hard i try to be a good person, a functioning member of society, i feel like a pile of dog shit at the end of the day. i thrive in chaos because at least i know what's coming and i won't have high expectations. i wish i could go back to having no conscience so i could be a bad person without FEELING like one. fuck fuck fuck i miss not having to try to be good. but now i have an incentive for trying to better myself. i have loved ones that i don't want to let down, and i don't want them to see the absolutely disgusting side of me. but fuck, man. i miss not having to mask how terrible i was. sometimes i just want to blurt out how i really feel; i want to hurt. i want to be hurt. i want to be abused and used and groomed again. i can't sugarcoat that. it's ugly. it's awful. i know i didn't deserve it and more than anything, i want to be a sane, stable person who doesn't need attention from abusive, exploitative men. yet at the same time, it's all i've known. as sick as it is, i was comfortable. i don't know what to do with myself. i mean i've got it pretty good right now. i have people who actually LIKE me. or i hope they do. but they want to know what i have to say, they seek me out, they MISS me. i've never had that kind of impact on someone else's life. it's always the other way around. and i don't fucking know what to do about that. why do they like me? what do i do about it? accepting affection is so fucking difficult. i just,,, i dunno. goodnight.