haphazard blogging!

woooo hey there! been a while, a long while since I've done some official life blogging for you all here on Spacehey! In a way, some shit has happened but some hasnt? You guys can be the judge of that, I'll just keep typing until I run out of shit to say. But its been at least a month and a half since I've given an official blogging update. So, here we go! 

Spacehey news first, as always! I'm siting at 1774 friends and 7245 profile views! Big numbers, and I've made a promise to face reveal at 2000 friends (although if you are close to me and talk to me regularly, I might be comfortable face revealing to you before then? I actually dont really care if people see what I look like, as that you already know what I sound like and have seen me in a maid outfit). I mean, its just fun to do these little things, and its not a huge deal to show what I look like, but 2000 is a huge deal, so I might as well show my face by then! But yeah, I kinda wanna do something when I hit 10,000 profile views as well! Soooo stay tuned for that. But unlike usually, there is more Spacehey news to be talking about! For one, I'd like to advertise a groupchat that I've been hanging out on and meeting people through! If you use Matrix/Element and want to get to talk to more people in a casual and frequent way, the chats are always active on there! Its an unofficial spacehey chat for people who wanna hang out and have a good time. If you wanna get added and talk more and hang out, ask Lumi or Kira about it, and they will likely be happy to add you. Finally, I wanna say a quick thing about my little project I was working on here on, a Spacehey Character Tournament using Ai. It was pinned to my blog for a time, and if you go looking you can find it (the matchups were on the top blog posts for a couple weeks, which was really funny to me). I stopped after the first 2 matches because I wasnt in a good mental place, but I might not pick it up for a while because it takes a ton of work and upkeep. If I get someone else to help me out or more motivation, I might figure that out and pick it up (maybe as a goal for getting 10,000 profile views or something). But its a bit of a big thing to run on my own, and I couldnt keep it up daily like I wanted to. Havnt forgotten about it and its still cool to me, but I wont work on it for a little while. 

Woo, enough spacehey news. Lets talk about more personal shit! Heres a little space for me to do my venting. I used to vent a lot more on blog entries, but after starting this blogging series I'd talk about things much more objectively than personally. Eh, I'm changing that precedent, because people know me a little bit more and how I act and feel now. So, I'm just gonna say it: you know I'm depressed, but I'm soooo much more than that. I'm actively miserable! I feel terrible, lonely, sad, needy, and isolated. And I kinda shake it off and mark it off to just shitty life conditions but after some close examination wow its much more thorough than that! The meds that I take to keep me sane, well they are also causing me to be apathetic in part. The people I talk to online help a little bit, but they dont fulfill my needs the way I want them to because in part, I dont get to hear their voices, see their faces, feel them next to me, touch them, ect. They are words on a screen, and words I care about dont get me wrong, but part of my dissociation makes me feel disconnected from people in real life, let alone people online! Sometimes I feel like you guys arnt real, that all of this is fabricated and I'm almost just talking to myself. Now, my rational brain knows that its not true, but that doesnt stop my heart from believing it in a dark, painful way. Its lonely, feeling like I'm the only one who knows I exist, in a sense. I'm not really close to anyone irl, yes I'm trying to reach out to more people but its a slow process. I feel like I'm getting worse, not better, and it fucking hurts! I admit to people that I'm in pain, but its not cathartic. Its just an acceptance of my suffering. However, looking to hope doesnt make me feel any better! Talking about what I could be doing just gives me this sense of pressure and expectation to do better, that I'm not doing enough. Makes me forget in part, that im doing my absolute fucking best. I'm just trying to not get hospitalized at this point! I'm trying to get up every day, eat food every day, talk to my parents, go outside and touch grass and try to not think too much about how much I'm loosing my mind. But why should I tell you guys this? Well, I think if you care enough to read my blog (assuming you arnt randomly reading this, in that case I'm sorry haha that some random guy is spilling his guts without context), you might wanna know that I'm not actually as well as I talk. I can hold myself fine, but in my mind I'm falling apart at the seams! And theres a lot more I could talk about, but I'm gonna hold it back. Just know like... its not super fun! And ill smile and carry on but, yeah. I'm not alright :). I get up every day, I get the energy to type something like this. So, its not all terrible. 

Nice and long last paragraph, now that I'm done spilling all that. Lets talk about interactions with people! I've already mentioned that I've been interacting a lot online, and thats honestly where I feel the closest to people right now. I wish I had more close irls, but alas. Anyhow, you all have been amazing. Ive made a lot of closer friends, but I feel distant from them with my own baggage. Its better than nothing tho! And I have to say, one thing that I have trouble with when making friends is this stupid little thing called age. Well, its a big loaded topic, for sure! I'm just gonna rant a little more and get into it, cuz I'm already here. I dunno if you already know this, but when most people talk to me, they dont assume I'm the age I am. Yes, my profile says I'm a teen, if youve been reading carefully, but from how I'm talking, I must be an older teen. If you didnt even notice that, you might assume I'm older. I'm talking about taking classes, so I must be in college right? I mean, what kind of kid talks like that? They must be 18-20, maybe older. Yeah, haha. At least, thats what I've been told people assume. In reality, well. It fucking sucks, but I'm 16. I wish, i wish, i wish i wish i swear to god wishing I was older. I want to be treated seriously. I dont want people to tread lightly around me just because I'm a couple years younger than them. I'm not just like, a fucking little kid who acts older. I'm not a fucking kid anymore, and 16 is not young. If you are 16 and you act like you are older, I think it counts. I wanna be treated like I'm an adult, like I'm a peer. I dont get along as well with people my age, unless you have some anomalous maturity or social stuff like I do. My friend swears I'm autistic like them, and they might be right honestly. I dont know why the fuck I'm built different. But its not a blessing, its a curse. I dont like my peers, cant see them seriously and they dont take me seriously either. They arnt as intimate and serious and genuine as I am, and I'm not as drama focused and lackadaisical and whimsical as them. I'm calculated, personal, and upfront. Most people my age dont like that. However, when I talk to older people, now I gotta worry about like, people trying to groom me or shit, that is.... if they know how old I am. I feel this moral dilemma, to tell or not to tell. Because shit gets complicated if people see me younger than them, but its not good to lie to poeple or string them up. I dont want to lie to people. I just wanna have fucking friends who wont walk on eggshells or be afraid of talking about sexual shit. Hell, I cant even really date the people I want to, because they wont see me the same. I want maturity, I want personal-ness. I feel like I cant win, and even tho I've found some people who work for me, its still such a struggle. And for however hard it is online, its like a thousand times worse in person. God, I'm a mess! such a fucking mess. 

So. Lightening the load a little! I dont wanna be completely pessimistic + negative, because I do have some alright things going on and alright experiences. I'm going to hang out with new people today, talk to someone that I want to make my friend. Some people I like hanging out with more, not nessisarily friend material but still enjoyable, are coming over to my house over the weekend, which is the first time I've hung out with people, let alone at my home in forever. Finally, I'm still talking to my therapist, taking care of my bunnies, going on meds, taking easier classes to keep my mental health stable, talking to my parents to keep an eye on my well-being, and talking to a psychiatrist. Not everything is shitty, but my mental state goes down anyways. Atleast I have something on the horizon, perhaps it can get better. We'll just have to see. 

Big talking, lots of words, lots of angst today. Not a lot more to say, not a lot exciting besides depression and some friends stuff. If it goes well, ill let you know how it goes! Honestly I might vent on here more, its not half bad, and atleast someone's listening. Yknow, those of you who read through my blog, I really do appreciate you. It means a lot to me, more than you know. I wish you all the best, and Ill stay in touch. Say hi if you want, Ill usually have time to chat. I'm not as ah, visibly bothered when we chat, this is just getting some weight off my chest. But yeah, I hope you all have a great day, a good time today. Good luck, and may your fates be brighter than the dark that chases all of us.