Newcomers

I should. Hide under a rock and be directly communicated with when I am to be summoned. Like an earth worm.

I feel like. Being the type to naturally prefer to keep to themselves can be. Off putting to some. And I understand, I don't blame them. But it's hard to explain to people, "Okay you want to be friends? Just know I won't show much interest unless you need something from me, just know I won't ask questions or pry; I'll accept what you give me."

It makes it difficult, though, because with those standards I'm often only talked to at times of distress or concern. It perpetuates a relationship that is... imbalanced.

I give the disclaimer, I set the bar low because I am constantly, constantly, in my head, walking backwards from an intrusive, extreme thought; or I'm distracted with my low will to live to fully engage in a sustainable connection. 

So many times people say, "How would you feel if you reached out and no one is there?" How am I to respond? How do I tell them, with head barely above water, I can't swim? I'm not seen or understood and I don't expect anyone to provide that for me. What I'm asking is for patience and understanding that for me, showing up is all I have. I can only give so much of myself, there's barely much left in the first place.

I've lived inside my mind for as long as I can remember. Everything hurts.