grief.

i'm not sure if i will ever get over it and i don't know when i need to stop publicly grieving. when does it become annoying to still grieve and when does the grieving 'grace period' come to an end. it's been five years. should i be over it by now? should i finally move on?

am i allowed to be upset forever? am i allowed to miss him? is that even 'allowed' anymore? it's been so long i don't remember what he sounds like talking anymore, i feel like i have some sort of privilege because he had a 'famous' career and videos of him rapping are out there but i can't bring myself to listen to them. i can't bring myself to look at photos of him for too long. i love and miss him but i'm scared my grieving period is over and i can't get upset over his face or voice anymore. i still have the last book we read together, even though i'm 17 and the book is made for children, i feel like i have a right to still own the book, even though i can't bring myself to open it. what if it loses its importance to me when i open it? what if it stops being 'our book' because i read it alone...