To lily..

I sometimes  wish we could go back to the times when we were close. When we used to know each other’s secrets because we were never apart. When we always used to spend REAL time together. When I felt like I had at least some revelence in your life. I miss when we used to have mini adventures and pretend like we didn’t exist.. we stayed in a constant loop, where hate and time didn’t exist. When all we had was our family.

I also sometimes wonder if you feel the same way.. I mean.. I know things are different now.. but do you ever want to change your actions so we can relive some old happiness? Would you truly trade some of the new connections for the old ones?.. I would give everything to be close to everyone again.

So much has happened it’s hard to determine why we all grew so far apart. Was it because I distanced myself? Or because I fucked up?.. I know the main cause was loosing my mom. She was the glue to our family. The pure ray of hope we all needed. Losing her ultimately put us all in limbo. We are now stuck in a state of sadness. A type of sadness that lingers and constantly makes us suppress the true feelings in our heart. 

But that leads me to my main question.. How did the death affect you?.. I mean.. everyone had a special connection to my mom.. she was always the favorite. She had a unique relationship with everyone. But it didn’t seem like your connection to her was as specific as everyone else.. so how do you feel about my mom? How do you feel now? Do you even know how to express that kind of emotion? Is it the cause to some of you actions?

..Now that I think about it.. I didn’t really know you to begin with. I’ve never felt like I truly knew who you were. It feels like you’ve always been aloof with me.. or you hid half of yourself from me… and maybe I’m doing the same. I just feel like some of my jealously got in the way of our friendship.. I feel like I admired you and wanted the type of love you received, the type of attention you received. Everyone treated you like a princess.. and I wanted that too.. I still find myself getting jealous of some of things you have now.. like.. being able to go to school, having a ton of friends you can hang out with, your sense of style, your relationship with your siblings, your freedom, and having a mom. 

You have a lot of things that I want deep down. I have this small cupidity for what you have. But I can never bring myself to fully acknowledge it. My pride gets in the way.  Maybe that’s for the best.. I’ll probably drive myself crazy trying to aim for what you have..  I doubt its even what I truly want. I think I’m just using you as the example since your the most successful (connection wise) in our family group.. or maybe it’s because my mom and vivi always compared me to you.. either way, I’m happy you are achieving what I can’t. I’m happy you get to live your life in a way I can not.

I’m proud of you for pushing yourself. (From what I can see)

And I’ll still trying to reach out and not let our connection dwindle. Because I love you.