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Another fucking rant

Working on my own mental health is quite a journey I am better then I was befor I think if i didn't start trying I would have gotten worse. But I still don't feel like I can talk to someone one that i love with for support and I don't really have friends the ones I have live across the world and I don't want them to know for some reason idk. ⚠️⛔([Warning:Metion of eating and weight maybe self harm])⛔⚠️ So I don't wanna say I have an ED but I don't have a good relationship with food it's gotten a little better but the main problem I had was overeating and then 🤢 you know and eating again or eating and then burping exsecivly I still do this but it helps not want to barf it up especially if im with family. They just think I'm really gross hehe who wouldn't anyway I have been doing good with eating and not thinking anything of it but then a few days ago my mom tells as we were leaving the house. That I need "to start dancing again I need to get back in shape.....because I'm pre-diabetic" and she tells use she finds out thing eventually but apparently not because if she does she  would have noticed something was up because I was saying things just to make them casual so no one would get suspicious when she said that it kinda ruined my mood the rest of the day. She already found out I was hurting my self and you know what she said it in front of my other sister ya all I could do was fake smile and laugh because I didn't want to cry hahxjskjsjjdjdj

Sorry.. Then my sister doent help either we could be hanging out and then she says she's hungry and when she says that I go with her to look for something I end up snacking on something but doesn't get anything and just say "na I won't eat" like bitch shut the fuck up know I feel like shit because I was the only one who got something. She is a whole nother story my mom too they do things that effect me and I know I don't tell them like literally nothing but fuck how do they expect me to when I hint at something I may want to talk about they call it stupid or don't take it seriously so I just don't talk about. Another reason I don't bring it up because one day my mom grandma Older sister and me were in the car and my mom ask if one of use throws up of course we said no I was shitting bricks and she said she asked because the toilet was dirty every time she cleaned it we said no again it goes quite then my grandma had to bud in and say "I was probably (younger sisters name) with that anerxiya shit" that...that was the day I had really decided to not bring it up at all not even the slightest not hints or hypothetically nothing because the way she said it like if it was I was an abomination It just really hurt and scared me.

I don't know if anyone reads these but if you do or if you just scan through what can I do because i do want to tell my mom some things like I feel not bad not guilty but idk I just feel like I should tell her one thing 

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