choking down the consumerist bile in my throat like that snake that swallowed a hammock

A few weeks ago I was losing brain cells on Snapchat and a snake doctor appeared on my phone. He was surgically removing what I believe was a hammock from some massive snake who had foolishly swallowed it. I think the snake is also addicted to Snapchat. 

I woke up with a sore throat today and I thought of that snake. Then I mindlessly opened Snapchat and thought about him some more. 

I need an arts buddy to go live in complete isolation with me for a little while so I can get some work done. The internet holds too many rabbit holes for me to jump down and I don't have the self-control not to explore them. 

Things I need: 

- zero internet 

- a movie library

- a music library 

- some books 

- a full editing suite 

- a recording studio 

- every instrument ever created 

- a couple animals 

- food 

- water 

- the fun versions of those

- furniture 

- paintings

- kitchen utensils 

- david bowie painting in the next room 

- peloton bike 

- imax cinema 

- film projector

- every type of film camera ever made 

- Martha the talking dog 

- someone to write with/work with/make art with

- only 3 "C" cable channels (TCM, NBCSN, wherever IFC plays)

- let me reiterate: not a painting of david bowie, i want david bowie painting in the next room. I'll see him here and there in the kitchen or something. maybe he will watch Niagara with me when it is inevitably played on TCM in the next week and a half. 

- the full adobe suite

- dark room 

- color printers that actually work and can make 24x36 prints 

- downloadable Letterboxd so i can still update my diary without any internet access (no I'm not playing catchup, this is a longtime scenario)

- canvases 

- paint

- charcoal

- spray paint 

- watercolors 

- magazines from everywhere 

- running water 

- at least 1 bathroom (must have tub)

- lifetime supply of XXX acai-blueberry-pomegranate vitaminwater

- almond milk chocolate pudding 

- personal sushi chef who is also well-versed in other things like he's a good friend who just happens to be great at making sushi i don't want like just a guy to make me sushi that would be bordering on servitude and i don't like sushi enough to cross moral boundaries for it so just like i need to make friends with someone (of any gender or non-gender) who's rad at sushi making that's all i mean by this comment

- a horse (they are cool and good to film)

- an alien needs to crash land in my backyard at some point to strike me with inspiration for a new piece of art

- unlimited production fees 

- cake ingredients 

- best sound system ever designed 

- loudspeaker in house 

- pool with slide 

- jet pack to toe the Karman line

- a solution to sleep deprivation besides sleep or cocaine

- guns and a shooting range (because it's cool if it's not aimed at the living) 

- a boat i can sit around in when it's raining even though i will not live near the water. i can just throw back the tarp in the middle of a rainstorm with a cigarette in my mouth, slicked with rain in my big fisherman rainjacket like I'm on one of those sea scooners except I'm just sitting in a wet boat in the woods outside my house smoking a cigarette while i think about a movie

- large sweater

- one of those ipads you can draw on with a pen 

- whiteboards 

- climbing wall 

- ball pit 

- crowbar 

- mug with olivia colman's face on it 

and 

- world peace 

There. Finally. Now, maybe I can focus on my work and cough up the hammock of distractions. The hammock is a metaphor for my current sore throat which I'm sure is somehow karmic revenge for the lack of real work I've been doing (in case you didn't catch on. I started this without any real end and I'm honestly pretty exhausted by it already). 

perpetually feeling underaccomplished, 
a fellow OTTA* member

(Orange TicTac-lic Anonymous)