what even is a crush?

Hi! okay so this is kind of a rant/I have no idea what's going on and I need help kind of post. My profile is small and I doubt anyone is really gonna see this but whatever. 

So Ive been having... crush issues? That's kinda for lack of better words but who really cares. SO for majority of my childhood (and now) Ive been having issues with sexuality and stuff. All the way back to fourth grade I can remember the first crush I had on a girl I met at camp. We both went to a Harry Potter camp (yes I know how it sounds I'm sorry) and I thought she was the prettiest girl I had ever seen. I immediately recognized those feelings as a crush and told my best friend about it. she had asked me if I had ever had a crush on a guy before, to which I said no, which prompted her to tell me I might be a lesbian. 

And that's what I went with for the rest of my elementary school experience, up until 6th grade. That's when I can remember the first time not knowing if I had a crush on a guy. (I still have no idea if I really did, hence what this blog post is about) It was this kid in my math class, and I was always really nervous when I was around him. I already knew I had anxiety, but this was different. Instead of my stomach hurting it kind felt like butterflies. Like a crush. 

I was semi distraught when I found out I might have had a crush on him. I had identified with this label for so long, and finding out it might not be who I am was an odd feeling. I had a pretty big crush(?) on him for a couple days, when suddenly it just... stopped. it was weird. I was constantly nervous when I was near him and became giddy when I saw him in the hallway, and then I just woke up and didn't really care. I was really confused to why I felt that way. Nothing had changed, I just stopped having feelings(?) for him.

Time jump to seventh grade, and boy was I having crushes left and right. But not on people I knew, celebs and fictional characters. I fell head over heels for Spencer Reid, Luna Lovegood, Gerard Way (who also made me questions like my whole gender, but that's a story for another day) and I had crushes on them for the longest time. These weren't one week things, they lasted for months, years, some of which I still have if I'm being honest. But when it came to people I knew, I liked no one. It was weird because this was the age where people started to date, but I didnt wanna date anyone I knew in real life. 

Ever since I figured I had a crush on I guy, I kinda got used to the label 'bisexual,' because that was what I thought I should label myself as. I had a crush on a guy and a girl, so I'm bi. So because I was pretty sure I had a label that fit me after I had been dealing with sexuality stuff for a while, I decided to come out to my parents. My dad was very understanding and comforting, my mom was not. Me coming out kind of sent her into this "everyone but my daughter" mentality and told me I was "going through phase" and "you know majority of bisexual people marry someone of the opposite sex." weird shit to try to stop me from being LGBTQ+. 

Because of my moms disapproval and not truly believing that I was bi, I started to question it as well. I mean, I really had only one crush on a girl, but I was so young so do I really know if it was a crush or not? I could have just thought she was pretty and that's that. all off those thoughts sent me into a hetero spiral (lol) and I started to think I was straight and just lying for attention. Lying to myself because I wanted to be different. Yet at the same time I still wasn't sure if I was a lesbian or not. 

That summer was rough for me, trying to figure myself out while having my mother breathing down my neck. Mind you I was not (and still aren't) popular, which meant no one was asking me out. No one was confessing to me so I didnt know how I would respond if someone did. No one was asking me out, and I didnt have feelings for anyone, so the start of eighth grade was also the start of my "and I asexual and/or aromantic" internal debate. Since I had never really had a crush for a long period of time, I started to wonder if I was on of the "a's." But then again, I couldnt be. I love the idea of love, and I would die to be in a cheesy, fluffy relationship with someone I'm in love with. and also sex, ya know? but I never really knew for sure, and put another nail in the confidence I held with identifying as bisexual. 

Fast foraward to this year. You know how I said I'm not popular and no one ever confessed to me before? well I went to sleep away camp this summer, and I met a guy. He was super nice and funny and I legit fell head over heels for him. I thought that maybe he likes me back, but that it was a very slight chance and I would just have a crush on him in silence. he never made a move at camp (which kind of annoyed me but whatever) and before we went home I gave him my phone number. I only stayed at camp for 2 weeks while he was staying for 4, so without really keeping in contact my crush semi faded.

The day he got back he texted me "hey what's up." when I got the message, I froze. I really excepted him to not put my number into his phone and just forget about it. I typed back "nothing much, you?," and my heart started beating about ten times faster. we kept talking a little bit longer that night, and I was pretty sure I had a crush on him again, when he sent me a message telling me he liked me. Suddenly i had the urge to stop talking, block him, and throw my phone away. I told him I liked him at camp but didnt specify if I still liked him anymore. He told me he wished he made a move on me, and I told him I had to go to bed. We said goodbye, and I turned my phone off prepared for a sleepless night pondering what the fuck just happened. 

I decided that I never liked anyone that liked me back before, so when he confessed to me I didn't know what to do and just bailed. Texted me "hey" the next day, and I saw it but didnt respond. another "hey" couple hours later, no response once more. Two "hey's" every day, with no response. I knew I should have responded, said something, but I couldn't bring myself to. I felt guilty. I felt as if I had lead him on, then basically ghosted him. One mid august night when I was way too emotional, I sent him a long paragraph apologizing and saying I wasn't sure if I liked him or not. I thought I liked him when I saw him or when we talked, but as soon as we stopped all of those feelings went away. The next morning he replied with a short paragraph saying that it was fine and that even though I wasn't sure how I felt we should still keep in touch. I replied with a short "yeah, we totally should." we haven't talked since. 

fats foraward to now, I'm a freshman in high school and we have our hoco dance coming up. There is this kid that I've been texting, and I think he likes me and might ask me to the dance. I think u might like him too, but I'm scared if he asks me to the dance ill get nervous on the spot, say yes because I feel obligated to, the get mad at myself because I one again lost feelings. 

Im not really sure, there is a lot going on right now. Ive also spent way to much time reading over the lesbian masterdoc, because I'm still not over that debate with myself yet lol. If anyone read through this whole thing, thank you. If no one has and it has zero kudos and zero views, or it has views but no one wanted to read through my excessive teenage pile of melodramatic bullshit, that's fine too. I just needed to get this out somehow. 

end rant.