life update?

whew its been a long time since ive blogged, but maybe i will more now that i know nobody will read it. lots has happened since ive last written. I turned 18, i figured out that im a lesbian, i graduated highschool, i decided not to go to college, i changed my career path, i went on a blocking spree and ended a lot of friendships, and im starting culinary school for baking and pastry this coming january. wowza! so lets start from where i left off. March rolled around and i continued to help hope with theatre, the show was mamma mia, and it was a goddamn nightmare. its been six months and i still get anxiety when i hear abba in the wild. imagine 40 teenagers singing SOS off key and stomping on stage for 8 hours a day for 2 weeks. horrible experience. the stage crew was hope as manager, janai, neville, travis, and me. obv i knew hope and nev prior, but this was my first time meeting janai and travis. travis was your typical trackstar, football player, funny guy, and janai was your typical raging lesbian. yknow, high bun and undershave, soccer and bitches. the usual. i knew from theEEEE MOMENT i met her that hope was into her. i knew it. i knew it in my mind body and soul. at this point, im pretty convinced that im bi. i know i like girls and im still giving boys the time of day. one boy in particular, ben, who was on the sound crew. he was friend of a friends boyfriend so thats how we started hanging out. we had hung out a few times, he asked me out a few times, i rejected him a few times. so, now its tech week. im spending every waking second at school because when im not at rehearsal im at practice and when im not at practice im at rehearsal. we ate a motherfuckton of twizzlers in this time frame and i continue to reject ben a motherfuckton of times. i feel bad writing that but its funny so im keeping it. hope tells me she likes janai as if i couldnt tell. i mean you could smell it on her it was incredibly obvious. i had a bit of an aha moment when she confirmed it tho. i realized it made me irrationally angry, which made me IMMEDIATELY kick myself and think "there is no way. NO FUCKING WAY that im one of those lesbians who took too long to realize they're in love with their best friend. no way." turns out, yes way! i wasnt ready to accept it tho, i could calculate in my brain that i was probably in love with hope, but ben excited me and i took that to mean that i must like boys too. other than that tho, the five of us got along great, and the show went over smoothly. got a lot of singular flowers that week. shortly after the show was over, we had to do mr sayreville. mr sayreville is essentially a beauty pageant for boys that our school holds every year that raises money for sports and clubs and such, and it is actually a lot of fun. we got to leave class the whole day prior, so it was worth getting yelled at by some football coach for being difficult. i still dont like you, cifelli. bitch. anyway, ben asks me out for what is probably the 4th time at this point, and i actually said yes. so on the last day of school before spring break, he took me to get ice cream. it was nice. we definitely got along and everything, and it wasn't the first time we were alone together so it wasnt awkward or anything. in the coming days and weeks i apparently successfully sent the message that i wasnt interested in doing anything else w him, and he really wasnt difficult about it, he really is a nice kid. after that i guess i FINALLY put the pieces together that the gross confusing twisty feeling when i interact with a man like that isnt anxiety, and its actually just the fact that i dont like men and forcing myself to pretend that i do is what causes my anxiety. so give it a month ish and im finally ready to admit to myself that im gay. then i turn 18. the big one eight! its a cool age to be. then scav comes around. like the next day. literally the day after i turned 18. anyway, the scavenger hunt is a senior tradition at my highschool. the student council gets together and puts together a long list of dares worth varying point values, and you have to get into groups of 8, and pay $5. whoever gets the most points, gets all the money. now, this is Not school sanctioned. it is a literal free-for-all. the dares ranged from lick the floor of a walmart bathroom, to take a pic with the amish, to eat a donut off a teammates dick. all of which are real dares that people really completed. my group was me, kayla, marissa, ali, marcus, gabe, rowann, alyssa. alyssa and marcus were driving, so obv they didnt get drunk but the rest of us got fucking HAMMERED. it was from 7pm-12AM, and we drove around off our asses completing random dares and failing miserably. it was so much fucking fun. then comes prom. i was nominated for prom queen! i didnt win, kayla damoah won. but i got a sash and a rose! then, graduation! i blocked a lot of people after graduation LAWL. so summer rolls around and im spending a lot of time with marissa's whole friend group. rowann and her bf maliek, alyssa, gabe, neville, kayla, nadiyah, clover, etc. at first the parties and whatever were fun, but they kinda stopped being fun pretty quickly for a multitude of reasons. number one, and the most prevalent was maliek. he was creepy. he would find any reason to touch up on any of the girls and it got real old real fast. he never really put his hands on me thankfully but he said things that made me really uncomfortable, and i wasnt alone in that. kayla actually tried to tell rowann that he made us all uncomfortable, and she freaked out on kayla and called her a liar, etc etc. so that was the biggest reason i ultimately decided to stop hanging with them. most of them are lovely. kayla and marissa r bestie, nadiyah and i are cool, alyssa is super sweet, and usually rowann is lovely. its a shame to have to stop being friends with her because she decided to defend her bf like that, but yk how it goes. another reason tho, was that it was becoming increasingly clear that my presence wasnt exactly..valued. lets backtrack. im sure i blogged abt this before and deleted it, but kara neville and gabe were not being great friends for quite some time before i decided to leave. neville less than kara and gabe. gabe has always been the type (and ive brought this up to him several times, but whatever) where, when u are not directly in front of his face, you dont exist to him. that always grated on me. kara and i were really really close for a really really long time but it because VERY clear the past few years that she valued gabe and nevs attention more than she valued our friendship. it was always "i miss youuuu" and "you're my best friendddd" but absolutely no effort to see me from gabe and kara. for the past two-ish years, since kara moved back up to brooklyn, kara gabe and neville would hang out together just to get high and not tell any of the rest of us. obviously we're not dumb and we knew, and were incredibly irritated by it. OBVIOUSLY i dont expect to be invited to every single fucking thing yall do, but you knew what you were doing when u didnt mention it. u can use the excuse that i dont want to get high with yall but that wasnt the reason i wasnt invited. i wasnt invited because you didnt want me there so lets stop acting like children and pretending like it was something it wasnt. this was a problem for a very long time, and i brought it up OFTEN. hope brought it up OFTEN. gwen brought it up OFTEN. after the initial burn of okay wow my friends dont want to hang out with me that hurts, it turned into an annoyance. do not sit here and tell me u love me oh so much and im ur bestie westie and we're like soulmates omggg yayyyyy if you're not gonna act like it. so all of those feelings boiled over this past few weeks because of marissas party, my party, and the following days afterward. kara came down to jersey for the weekend because marissa was having a grad party the day before my grad party, and she stayed at gabes. i went to marissa's, and for a while i was having a decent time. keeping my distance from maliek and honestly spending most of my time with marissas baby cousin amina, who is the cutest fucking child you'll ever meet. shes five. anyway. the night went on and im not drinking bc my party was the next day, and duh. i mentioned to gabe neville and kara that they probably shouldn't get fucking hammered the night before u have to be at my FAMILY PARTY with my GRANDMOTHER. nobody gives a shit cause of course they dont, im with kara in the bathroom because shes vomiting cause she drank too much. gabe and neville are spraying fucking hard seltzer in my face cause theyre trying to shotgun it like fucking losers (i mean really. it was a truly. lets be serious.) so i am clearly annoyed from getting gross ass mango lemonade truly or whatever the fuck sprayed in my face over and over after i asked them to stop, so i get up and move. the seat i tried to sit in was soaking wet, and that was the icing on the cake! so i called my mommy, asked her to pick me up because i was on the verge of tears and ready to get the fuck out of there. everybody makes a big show of OMGGGG YOU'RE LEAVING???? NOOOOOOOO DONT GOOOO as if they paid literally any fucking attention to me at any point in the last 3 hours other than to ask for my key to shutgun aforementioned truly and call me pretty. thats what kara and gabe loveeee to do. they love to tell me how pretty i am every once in a while as if thats what it takes to uphold a friendship. so mother comes and gets me, i hold back tears and just tell her that i didnt want to be tired while setting up for my party the next day. i clean the shit out of my hair and go to sleep. next day, its my party. gabe and kara show up an hour late and hungover. not. shocking. the two of them combined say maybe 3 sentences to me the entire time. kara would much rather hang onto nevilles shoulder like a lost puppy for some fucking reason i cant comprehend and gabe wants to interact with literally every single person but me. cause fuck me i guess! kara didnt speak one word to anybody but gabe neville and nadiyah. party's over. at this point im DONE. done. done in every sense of the word. i actually tweeted something along the lines of 'i need to stop proving my own point'. at this point i know i need to leave, and i guess i was just waiting for the right moment? or until i got pissed enough? i dont know, all i know is i didnt have the balls to cut anybody off because i kept thinking about when things were good, yk? ive always had a problem of hanging onto someone too long because i think about the good times we had its an incredibly lame thing about me! i think it might be my leo moon...idk. anyway i kept specifically thinking abt neville's birthday gift to me. it was a polaroid of all of us years ago and the back said "so you never forget your real day 1s." and it just melted my heart. we really did have a lot of fun together. anyway, what finally sent me over the edge was just a few weeks ago, the day of the blockiana. not like theyre gonna read this, but i wanna make it clear that it might sound like i have a problem with kayla and nadiyah in this portion but i do not! i really actually dont. so, nadiyah posts a picture of kara, gabe, neville, and her in kaylas bedroom. kayla's bedroom. kayla's bedroom in kayla's house. kayla's house that is in my neighborhood. kayla's house that is literally 100 feet away from mind. OH BUT YOU MISS ME RIGHT???? IM YOUR BEST FRIEND RIGHT? YOU MISS ME SO MUCH RIGHT? thats all i ever hear from gabe and kara. julia i miss you sooooo much you're my best friend i miss you i miss you i miss you. you miss me so much but you're two streets away from my house and you dont say a word to me? to be clear, i dont care that you're hanging out without me. i do not give a shit. im not 15 anymore, you cant pay me to care. what i DO care about is the bullshit you're trying to shove down my throat. we are all way too grown to sit here and pretend like this. do not sit here and say i love you i miss you youre my best friend when you're not gonna act like it. that being said, i dont have a problem with kayla because she doesnt bullshit me like that. i really do love kayla shoutout bestie. obv nadiyah doesnt have a dog in this fight cause i met her like a month ago. and i actually dont really have a problem with neville either. i blocked him when i blocked gabe and kara because i didnt want them trying to talk to me thru him. he's since been unblocked but obv i havent followed him back or anything. i was just done. i do not need to be treated like im stupid, im tired of the bullshit i really am. on top of that, things needed to change anyway. clearly, a lot of things have happened in my life recently. i mean i just decided to go to culinary school, i just figured out that im gay, i just turned 18, i just graduated highschool. things needed to change. and im sad that it had to be that. obviously we had good times together and im gonna miss them. i wouldnt have done this if i didnt care about them. im just not gonna sit here and put energy into people who need to be honest with themselves and recognize that they dont care about me very much. thats what really gets me. they're not gonna miss me. theyre bullshitting themselves and everyone else if they say otherwise. dont pretend, we're all adults here. lets be serious. theyre not upset because they lost me as a friend, they're upset because i made them feel like they did something wrong, and they clearly dont like that feeling. i know gabe tweeted about me, and i dont really care very much. you can be as dramatic as u want and tell people i never really cared about you yaddayaddayadda. i know kara dm'd me again on insta but im not gonna open it. for now at least. im at peace! i actually look forward to hanging out with my friends now. i know theyre not gonna act like i dont exist because they just wanna get fucked up no matter what. thats another thing. if u need to be high to hang out with your friends, you probably dont like them very much. i like hanging with hope and shina and gwen as a group. they actually value me as a friend, imagine that! so yeah, its been a rough ride, but things are looking up. ive been typing for hours lawd. but there's your update! peace and love! <3