Lava

Anger management has taught me a few things that I have begun to apply to my daily life, and I feel like I’ve changed in healthy ways. Sure it’s something that has barely scratched the surface of the volcanic rage I have to keep from exploding with volatile words I call my lava.

Lava spews out of my mouth sometimes, worse than any way that you can imagine. I refer to myself as a Doberman on a leash because the second you let the lock loose I will savagely maul you to the point you will have no face left. I have what’s referred to as a hair trigger temper, and I snap faster than the trigger on a gun at a firing range.

With Borderline personality you never know how your emotions will react, and I’ve had to relearn that I’m not my emotions. I used to let my rage control me, and would react instantly. You want to get mouthy with me 6’3 grown man? You’ll have 2 black eyes from 4 pops to the face faster than you  can finish speaking. You wanted to cry about how nobody understood you everyday, I gave you something to cry about with this mean ass left hook. As a roommate you want to get drunk and repeatedly punch me in the face? Cool I’ll take each blow because it’s your house. You spit in my face though? Funny how chunks of your hair suddenly got ripped for your scalp. I throw dishes, I had a hookup end up with a plate whizzing by his head, and a coffee cup scar on his shin because he wouldn’t stop laughing at me. My car windshield is shattered in the corner because I kicked the shit out of it after having a seizure in a bar, everyone watched, and my roommate wouldn’t just leave me alone. I react quick, but I have always kept myself from fighting because when I see red, I don’t stop. Doesn’t matter how much training you may have, I always say fucking with a crazy person who has nothing left to lose, will result in a life sentence.

I chose to start anger management after I elbow punched 6 holes in the walls and doors in my roommates house, and screamed so hard my vocal cords almost burst after writing my first book. I realized, that as we learn in Anger Management anger is our secondary emotion. It wasn’t until I wrote about a piece about Growth cannot begin without pain. I learned pain is my primary emotion. All the trauma in my life, is like a stake in my heart that healed over, that I’ve ripped open and I’m trying to pull it out, but my finger slip in all the blood.

Therapy has taught me a lot about myself. Diffusing my thoughts of Anger by using the 54321 method. I have methods of cold showers, ice on my wrist and neck, focus on noises and colors of the room, and even where I would go in the cooler at work to scream or focus on the cold in the freezer. The trick is you can’t have mental breakdowns in your brain if you have your brain focused on other things.

Say thoughts out loud is another trick I do, where I talk to myself to try to figure out what is upsetting me. It helps me dig to the bottom of it so I don’t react anymore. I’ve really learned how not to have trigger reactions, and think before I react. It’s so hard when I can feel my rage flush my entire body to not call someone a C-u-next-Tuesday, and tell them I’m going to punch their child in the face. I walk away, take deep breaths, and just reply “Ok”. Sure I’m violently shaking for hours, but I want to be better for one reason: Integrity. We talked about what word fits us, and mine is Integrity. It always means doing the right thing, and I can’t be a role model to people if I keep going down the path I allowed Booze, and my own demons lead me down my whole life. I allowed my hate towards what happened to me throughout my life, to get buried down like it’s normal to happen to a person. Stories for hours that made me into a strong person, and I want to be a voice for people who also have a problem. To build people up, and make everyone else to realize that you are not your emotions.