Crying with the rain tonight - Entry 13

I'm actually feeling okay and rather calm tonight. Work wasn't bad today, I did what I was supposed to do and im happy with that. I had a slice of pizza and a chicken burger later on then some cookie dough with ice cream. It was nice. I looked up some more books I wanted to buy from this online thrift shop for books and ive put some gadgets a I want in a Wishlist. Then it started to rain tonight. I got my dog inside and dried him off. (He's a huge dog so that was difficult but he was calm) Then I went upstairs and put on my headphones, opened my laptop and put on the heavy rain game soundtrack. I love that game its emotional, comforting and now nostalgic. Then out of nowhere I begin to cry. I miss being a kid. I want to go back to the first time I watched a gameplay of heavy rain. Or of Life is strange. Or of Detroit become human. I was talking with a customer at work today. I never got her name so I'll call her 'New York lady'. She said she was going on a trip to New York. I told her I was so jealous and that I really wanted to go so she emphasised on how lovely it is. I complemented the shoes she wanted to get and honestly they were pretty cute. She had these glittery burgundy nails on and they looked really nice, I'm planning on growing my nails now bc she said I should instead of getting acrylics, well she suggested it. Point is, as much as I hate that I'm becoming an adult because sometimes I really do. it saddens me that I only have these certain moments of peace once. It saddens me that life is getting more and more complicated but the truth is that it's always been that way, I just never understood it. But now I do and now that I have that knowledge it's kinda depressing. Most people like the fun idea of being an adult which is drinking, partying, hanging around a fire with friends and smoking, hooking up with other people, living a reckless life. I hate that part, I just want a calm, simple, nostalgic-feel, quiet life. I want to be able to have my space to look out of a window at night and stare at the rain. I want to listen to a depressing playlist on the way to work, or maybe something more upbeat. depends on the mood. I want to never forget the people I was before. Sometimes what I mean by that is me wanting to become child me again. But I just want to remember them and never let go. I want to walk down a street eating a fat slice of pizza with my headphones on blasting some 80s tune. I want to go restaurants of different cultures. Mainly Italian bc I love Italian food. I want to travel so bad. I was to enjoy the scenery of another country. like New York, San Francisco, Colorado, Vernazza, Greece, Venice, Paris. Mainly New York though. Its the dream. I want to go the cinema all the time, watch scary/sad/comedy movies. I want to go to cafes and historical museums. I want to visit an empty theatre and just sit there at night. I want to go on a long bike ride, walk around and dance in the rain. Swim in the sea in the sunset. watch the sunset in some park, go on a huge adventure. Go to a local library and get a hot chocolate and a huge chocolate chip cookie, I want one of those loft apartments in New York that are pretty high and kinda dark looking. Kind of like Madison paiges from heavy rain. Ill always be jealous of her home. I want an rv so I can drive everywhere in the summer time and live in it for a bit. I want to be a journalist. I want so badly to snuggle in bed. I want to find that person for me. Yeah I think thats it, or maybe ill think of others after this. Its so easy to feel hopeless and unmotivated but its time like this; when it rains like this I realise how much I want my own space and all of those other things. If I'm being honest, life is moving incredibly fast but painfully slow so it all kinda feels wacky. I just need to keep pushing and working hard and one day I'm going to earn a trip to New York. Please let it happen. I really need some sort of escape. And all of this imagining might be temporarily helping but I wanna see some reality. I think it's coming though so I'll be good. Yeah I still have to figure out the point of this. Maybe that's the beauty of it, I'll never have just one answer for it. Goodnight people.