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Category: Life

Im scared I love him.

Hey, so its been a while. A turned out to be not the best person, and im glad things ended. ive been slowly healing but im doing a lot better. but someone new has entered the picture, well, hes not exactly new. prepare for a longish entry.

Ive known him for a few years, but we really started hanging out last fall. we would go to Knotts Scary Farm together since we both love halloween and we had passes. from there we both started to go to disneyland together, talking on the phone for hours and hours. we began to like each other, but we were working on a project together, and i typically dont mix my work with my personal life, but i really liked him. we had our first kiss and it was just so nice, everything with him is nice. so we went out on a few dates that he planned and they were magical. he planned things that he knew i would like, and paid for everything. im not a materialistic person but i still thought it was very sweet. but there was this feeling in my gut to hold off, since we were working together. so after thinking things over i broke it off, we were never official but i wanted to talk with him about where my mind was. he was upset, but completely understood.

i was prepared to loose him.

some guys get uncomfortable around people they like, make things awkward, or try to push the boundaries. i didnt have that problem with jacob at all, we still went to disneyland together, but it wasnt awkward and he didnt try to "make a move". he completely respected my boundaries and that meant the world to me. time progressed, A broke up with me, i was getting over it. I had seen Jacob multiple times since then. dont get me wrong, i still thought he was cute, but it wasnt too much more than that. 

fast forward a few months. i get a job at knotts, my dream! he does too, amazing, this is his dream. im late for a meeting because i dont know where it is, im stressed, a mess, running around backstage like a bat out of hell. I open a door leading into a dark room, my eyes take a moment to adjust, my mind is racing.


My eyes adjust, and there he is. a surprised smile on his face, wires in his hands, slightly elevated on a ladder. hes in his uniform, heavy toolbelt on, but he looks stunning. in that moment, it hits me.

oh. oh.

i instantly relax, im calm, seeing him changed my entire mood. i felt safe, it was like seeing a partner, someone i knew i trusted. why was i so happy to see him? he didnt know where my meeting was, why was my heart racing when i looked in his eyes? and why did he look so good? he ended up helping me find my meeting, but i could barely pay attention wondering why i was so giddy at the thought of him. every time we have hung out since its been, different. flirty, but sweet. HES SWEET. hes nice, hes so nice, he holds open every door for me, he evens walks ahead to open my car door first. 

the other night i think we went on a date

he walked up to me at work asking if i liked sushi, i told him i had never had it before, and he told me to meet him at his house at 8pm. he took us to a sushi place, then we got 7/11 slurpees and watched the disneyland fireworks from the back of his trunk. there wasnt a kiss or anything like that, but it was one of the most romantic dates i have ever been on. hes just romantic, everything with him feels realistically romantic, its like hes not even trying, but it works. I want to kiss him, i want to hold his hand, i just want to tell him how pretty he is.

im scared i love him.

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