(Blog #5)

8/11/22

Today was an emotional mess. I'm only writing this because my tendency to overthink is driving me insane and keeping me awake deep into the AM. I've been flooded with a crash of memories from years ago and things just keep resurfacing in my mind. I feel selfish for thinking about feeling selfish because only non-selfish people are self aware and I know I am not one of them. I feel as if there is a greater reason explaining that I deserve the hurt and pain. That I should not be angry at the people whom did nothing about it because in the end my existence alone hurts others more than I could ever comprehend. 

I cannot look down without a reminder of what I've done to myself, without wanting to choke on my own saliva and die. I wish I could end the cycle of living painlessly but it seems impossible. My purpose is unknown. I feel like gods mistake.