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I LAY STREWN ACROSS THE FLOOR
PIECED UP IN SORROW
THE PIECES ARE LOST, THE PIECES DONT FIT,
THE PIECES ARE INCOMPLETE AND EMPTY...
(TW: Severe Depression, Suicidal Ideation)
I hate to be another addition of the harmful stereotypes that plague the subculture I love so much. I thought I was getting better. I went for a very long time without feeling any lows. I felt mostly balanced for at least 6 months, maybe more. I suddenly lost interest in everything one day. I have been forcing myself to get out of bed to go to my 9to5. There are days I want to call in so badly, but there are strict call in policies with my job. It's gotten so bad that I dont even care if I catch covid anymore, because it gives me a break I so desperately need. The constant pressure and stress from having barely any staff at my job and the responsibility mostly falling on my shift's shoulders to the point I've had to stay late too many times to count without even being asked first is starting to wear me down so bad I have been wishing I was dead. I have been having CONSTANT suicidal ideation. I cant even keep up with my medication anymore. I am probably gonna end up dying in 15 years or so from a massive heart attack, so I dont even try to pursue my dreams anymore. I'm becoming less disturbed by the finality of death after seeing it so much at my job. I crave that undisturbed and unbreakable peace after the final breath. The ONLY reason I haven't explored these temptations further is because of my girlfriend. It would destroy her if she lost me and she already freaks out if I even JOKE about myself dying. I cant tell her that I have been feeling this way. I am sure now that a lot of this is my autistic traits being so incompatible with what western society expects from me and my inability to keep up with the rest despite pretending I can handle it CAUSE IM TOTALLY NEUROTYPICAL (shhhh dont tell anyone..). I stopped seeing my therapist too. I actually have started to dread my sessions. I feel beaten down during each of them. I feel too much pressure to CREATE SOMETHING.Β
I DONT W A N T TO DRAW SOMETHING FOR YOU VICTOR. WHAT DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT LACK OF MUSE AND FORCED CREATIVITY???
I cant fucking do anything right. I wanna die. I hate it here. I hate myself. I hate what I have become. This fat fucking lazy pig, I'm disgusting. I cant stand looking at myself in the mirror anymore. I am disgusting. WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MYSELF?
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I'm so sorry to hear you're feeling this way :( I know exactly how you feel when you say you've been forcing yourself through life and wishing you just didn't exist anymore; I've once been in such a spot in my life, one that lasted for years. The only way out of such feelings for me has been through Jesus Christ. Jesus says in Matthew 11:28-30, "Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." Christ wants to help you through the hard times. He wants the best for you, all you have to do is allow Him. I hope you receive this out of love and with an open heart :)
Living only for another is fine for the short term, and of course, it's only the short term that does matter rn. That job is not for you, that's clear. But don't fret. There's always another day, even if you've had 100 or 400 bad days of total emotional wreckage. Let it run its course naturally, things will come back when they will. Any missteps, well, they happen. It's frustrating, yeah, and extremely fickle. But I've found it's just like that. Nothing wrong with giving up if you're truly giving up and are a-okay, as I have been. Do I have full control of my life? No. Oh well, I'll make dreams when I feel like it, and do what will benefit me when I can.
I hate being overly positive, "love yourself" and "it'll get better, just WORK THROUGH IT", and I don't wanna be like that to anyone, feels like false hope, mania before depression, (no shame if it's good for you for the "empathy", but I don't empathize, seems insincere and pretentious to me), but focusing ONLY on the negative, while helpful for identification, is bad for one's health and sense of place if it's taken too seriously too long. "Venting" is okay. No bad in that, but did anything make you smile today? Nice coincidence? Luck? Did anything in the past? No matter how small. If so, then there's that.
Do take care.