I’m scared sometimes pt.2

Id like to think I had a good childhood. I was bullied through out my school years. And I was struggling with my sexuality and gender identity for as long as I can remember. But I have amazing support. My parents are the best thing In my life. I love my mom so much. I love my dad. And to know I’ll never be their little boy anymore scares me. I’m scared to know that one day I could loose them. And the thought of burdening them hurts so much. I have no job and I don’t want them to think I love them for their money. I want a job but the idea of going to work everyday makes me anxious. But I want to try either way. I want to drive so they don’t have to take me everywhere. Though I love those moments. I can always kiss my mom goodbye on my way out the car and she tells me I love you. 

Growing up I adored my dad. I always wanted to be with my dad. He told me he didn’t want me to grow up to be a teenager because they always Rebel. And he was right. I became what he didn’t want me to be and now I yearn for the relationship I used to have with him. It has been better but my 13-15 years of age were a pain for him. But those were fun years to me. I think this plays a big part because I’m the youngest. I have always been the baby of my family. And now the youngest is leaving the nest. And I don’t know what will become of my parents. They never had the most steady relationship but I want them to keep each other company when I move out. I don’t plan to move out until after collage. I have talked to my mom about this problem, she says she won’t kick me out but it’s the thought of leaving the house for good that scares me. 

My entire room is things filled with pieces of my childhood. I have fnaf posters, hatsume miku, danganronpa, anime, toys like my little pony and hello kitty. And these things don’t make a adult less of an adult but a lot of these things are the only things thst remind me of childhood. I don’t want to throw them out. I also fear that if I change the way my room is it’s a way of accepting change. Polaroids, photos, snap chat memories and all those things hurt me. They hurt to look at. They make me wish I can go back to that age, to that year. I’ve had a fear of aging and growing up for as long as I can remember so I never let my self grow up with my age. 

I don’t know what I want to do with my life. And it feels like everything is going so dads that by the time I know it I will have nothing. I fear I’ll be homeless. I fear I’ll be alone with no one. I fear I’ll have no significant other, or friends, or family. Sometimes I feel that death is better so at least I can stay with what I have instead of continuing with the future. I never wanted kids, but now I feel like I need to have kids to fulfill my life, and to have someone by my side. I’m scared of my cat dying. I got him in February 2020 when he was 10 months. That would make him around three years old, and I know he still has a long time but time feels so fast. I felt 14 a week ago, now I’m scared I’ll be 40 in a month. I hate the future because I have no idea of the outcome, I can either kill myself or carry on and I don’t like either options. I just want to go back in time and relive my life again.