I love work! - Entry 8

Spoiler alert, I don't. I mean don't get me wrong it's probably one of the most easiest jobs on the planet but I feel like my old, shitty emotions are coming back or maybe I'm overthinking it all again. I kinda wish I'd gotten at job somewhere local like a corner shop or something. I could always do that at some point but if I do I feel like I'll be going back in that cycle of quitting. So far I haven't been able to keep a job for not even half a year so I really do sorta look like a disappointment. Ive just has some sort of realisation. I need to train my brain or something like that, I'll start now: it's not even that bad its literally a fucking shoe shop in the least scariest part of town so it's fine. Right now I'm sat in the dark worrying about if I'll mess up when I move to the tills, I feel great, no anxiety at all...Maybe I need to see the counsellor again. Or maybe I just need to get busy because I never think about these things when I'm actually working. When I'm working it's all kinda chill really, even when it gets busy, it's not so bad when I think about it. I'm working to get money so I can buy the things I wanna buy like shit for my room or a new skincare routine, makeup, a style I want and best of all trips with my friends. Well about that my friendship group is falling apart right now so that's cool. I guess at the start of the holidays we had fun and it was nice. We visited some gallery's, we watched some movies (the black phone especially was an epic movie though it was sad), we went to McDonald's a lot, I kid you not it was almost concerning. Point is, life was at its peak. Up until now. Things in our group are falling apart and I already miss those moments, sometimes I just want to stay in my room but I know ill accomplish nothing if I do that. I'm actually very impressed that ive decided to work again after the horror of working for my parents took place or my traumatic one day shift at McDonald's before I quit that night after having a panic attack. Ive pushed through the anxiousness and I still am. I'm not so productive right now which is why I'm happy to know I'm starting my second year of college soon. As stressful as it can be, I really like it. The start and middle of first year was tough, I didn't know anyone and I was alone. A loner. And I was working for my family at nighttime which was the worse decision I made, if I can look for a positive at working at the shoe shop is that it closes pretty early so when I work weekends I can still have my nights. Yes I may not have my daytimes but In college I wouldn't say the lessons demand too much hours in the day, Plus it does me some good getting out and talking to people in the class, the same applies to work. Honestly I'm doing great. Thinking back to last summer I was a hot mess and I'm pushing through and I'm glad. Yes I may get anxious before every shift and I might be nervous to try new things but I'm not going to let that stop me. Soon enough I'm going to be the best version of myself. I don't really know what this entry is but I guess I needed to get some emotion out. It also helps that iv'e cried a few times tonight so that's okay. tomorrow i start work at 12 and finish at 4 so I have a really short shift, which I always do but no complaints.  I'm just gonna go in and do what I do best, which is becoming a whole new different person. Oh shit I forgot to mention there's this prick who's one of the managers there who I haven't met yet. So I'm guessing ill meet him very soon probs next week as I'm working like 4 shifts so good luck Leoni. I mean what do I even do if he gets rude with me because ive heard he literally gives no shits, I can't just switch personas like that or else ill get like fired or something. welcome to the world of work I guess I'll be okay. As long as I can control my emotions or at least try to then I should be okay.