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i wanna get better at ummm actually structuring my life and maybe this can help me keep all my thoughts written down? i used to be pretty good at that.
today was a pretty good day despite dealing with my headache all day. i got to see my cousin and his bf and both of my parents and i didnt even have to go anywhere. i kind of feel bad every time i have my cousin come over because i know how much he hates driving, but last time i dropped them off it didn't go so well :( (i entered a wrong way. oops. no one got hurt tho)
i got pretty far on the cuff ive been working on too, and i started a new podcast and it keeps making me think about how bad i want to work on one. i wish our audio drama plans hadnt fallen through, i still think that would be so much fun to work on. but i mostly just want one to record moments of me and my friends talking together. i love looking back at dumb old videos and shit that captures moments that have me dying laughing.
i talked a lot abt jonah today. its easy w max and grey, bc he wronged them too, and theyre a solid support system, but i try not to take what they say so seriously because they didnt experience the whole thing. lis did, so i trust what they have to say more. its still nice to get it out to someone that believes me.
every day is easier when it comes to getting over him, and im starting to be more open to the idea of actually dating now, but im also realizing just how much i was sacrificing that i never should have had to sacrifice. its sad, and it really upsets me that so much of me was subdued and packed away just so i could be with someone i loved. i know i loved him, i wish i didn't-- and i wish he loved me. thats the worst part. i wanna write more music about him. its not like he abused me, but... he was right. i do deserve better than him. when we broke up, it wasn't what i wanted, but getting to be unapologetically myself and enjoy my life has been something wonderful. i dont even hate work that much without him. i used to despise every second because it meant i couldnt be with him. its insane how much i depended on him.
one of the big things im finding myself still thinking about w our relationship was how he dealt with my anxiety. he tried to be accommodating sometimes, but most of the time he just made fun of me. im curious to see how he deals with his bfs anxiety.
theres a lot there to unpack, but basically, i know now that it was for the better and i wont go back if he ever tries to open that door again. 11 is e-fucking-nough.
anyway, i think all day i mightve been holding in a good cry that i got out just now. thinking about him is rough, but im getting better at not trying to check out what hes doing every day. it shouldnt concern me.
double anyway, heres my to-do list for tomorrow:
-put away laundry
-do laundry if the load is big enough
-grocery shopping (stop n shop)
-pick up bleach + other hair goodies (ask sister for recs)
-send tickets to jake
and maybe tuesday i can go to joann's to pick up the fabric for my amity cosplay.
there was a lot more i wanted to mention i think but idk? its 1 am and i have work at 8. i should try to sleep. gn spacehey <3
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kaden
hi, i love you.
and im really proud of you. you do deserve so much better.
by kaden; ; Report
:( i love u so much
by emerie; ; Report
i love u more!
by kaden; ; Report