My brother - Entry 7

you're not even 15 and you already scare the shit out of me. I mean as of right now whenever you threaten to beat me up or say your usual line 'I'll kick the living shit out of you, slut' it doesn't really lead me to believe you'll live up to those bitter words, though they make me sad. You were always extremely privileged growing up, our parents always wanted a son and their wish came true so after you were born and growing fast, you were spoiled. It's true, you got everything you ever wanted as a kid and that made you a little brat but at the end of the day you were a boy and manageable. Even when our dad taught you swear words as a joke and when you would use them on us despite not knowing what they meant, it didn't bother us, you were our little shit. I think despite the obvious fact you were a little shit, we weren't remotely concerned was because we all could get along with you. You had your funny, cute, nice, intelligent, loving moments. You were a spoiled little shit but you were a brother at the time. But now, I don't even know who you are anymore. You are a monstrous thing that doesn't have any morality when it comes to family, only when they give you the mere satisfaction of letting things go your way, that's when you're only just tolerable. Almost 100% of the time you're extremely volatile and evil, you have not one kind word to say to anyone, especially me. You're extremely racist and homophobic which is another reason why I refuse to come out to our family. I'd simply lose my temper or cry too much over you're inhuman insults aimed to anyone who is apart of the LGBTQ community. You are transphobic- you even told me all the horrible things you'd like to say to my best friend who is happy to be trans. Those are all terrible things don't get me wrong but I think when you tell me to go kill myself or that you'd just kill me, that's when I start to get hopeless. Today you told me to go kill myself and yes I might have heard it all before but I guess something just clicked in me. I'm happy that I'll have my one room soon when our oldest sister moves into her house or when our other older sister goes to uni but I'm scared. Not of what you'll do or say but I'm sacred that I won't be able to defend and look out for myself like our sisters did with me. Sure ive had my shitty moments with our sisters, especially the oldest one, she probably is the main reason for my emotional trauma and constant need for privacy but at least when you act up she's there to counter all of your insults. Didn't I mention you're only 14? And that I know for a fact in the next 2 years you will without a doubt be uncontrollable. Our parents refuse to control you and its not because they can't because lets face it we know mum can get scary if we piss her off but its simply because they won't, they don't give a shit anymore. our dad's barely even home and now mum's following into that same pattern, trying to balance this whole 'restaurant business' life.  When they are home they don't care unless they can be bothered to but what does that do? You got grounded once but that only lasted not even half a day and that same day you got a brand new bike. What I'm trying to say is that I simply cannot stand you anymore. I can't and I won't try to change you when you can even do that with yourself as you think there's nothing wrong with yourself, in fact you think you're better than everyone. You think you can not try in school, leave and get rich? Get fucked. I'm not putting myself through that when not even our parents can do that because they don't want to. Because they are busy. Because we aren't kids anymore so it's no longer a concern...well it was never a concern regarding you. In some ways I feel sorry for you too. Reality of life will creep up on you in what 5 years? You will never get a job, you'll probably be homeless or something that's bound to be dead end anyways. You'll probably be a woman beater too, so I'll also feel sorry for the future woman who will spiral in your life, I wish them the best. Mum and dad won't take care of you forever, they want out of this country and they will the second you are in highschool though they talk about taking you with them to work on a boat, im pretty sure they'll regret that instantly as you are too proud to work. You can even comply with a simple request ins school. Wait. I take all of that back. I won't feel sorry for you, how could I possibly feel that way when you treat me like shit, like some rat on the side of the road. You also spat on me multiple times today and it's not the first time you have done this. Ive told mum plenty of time but she doesn't give two fucks at the end of the day. Sometimes I can really despise her for her actions...and lack of actions. You'd think she'd unload her anger and borderline PTSD at you when you curse her out instead of me, but I guess that's life. Being treated like shit for being a decent person. That's all I could ever be. I was scared of mum when I was little and I wanted to show dad that I was a nice sister unlike L. I wanted to be an example to you too. I must've gone wrong somewhere. The truth is, I hope karma comes your way and in the most bitter way it can be. You're not a kid anymore you know what you're doing and knowing that myself it sucks. Knowing what you know about me, knowing what hurts and what you still say despite, it's torturous. You treat me like some rabid animal that needs to be put down and I hate you for it. I'm not perfect but I don't deserve that. I wish we got along like siblings in those family friendly movies, I wish we had those odd nice moments where we'd get along but I guess that can never be. I think I'll be trying to avoid you now and though you're words are deeply concerning, maybe even scary, just know that I'm stronger than you and I can defend myself like that. If you hit, ill hit back. I don't want it to be like that though as I dread things will only worsen afterwards. Whatever, it's not like you'll ever see this Mehmet, I was just trying to get the emotions out somewhere they'll never be found and used as a device for humiliation. Take care.