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this is going to get very personal and uhh very embarrassing but in honour of this blog providing me more emotional vulnerability than any other therapist or councillor combined i thought fuck it the internet is a vast void meant to scream into and so what if this small corner of its endlessness knows my deepest darkest secrets at least it will be out there and not just contained inside me forever rotting my soul till i die and no one knows anything at all about me!
also grammar warning i hate grammar so fuck u and fuck grammar you will read my thoughts as i think them and i definitely do not think in complete sentences or with any structure!
anyways let's begin
what's been bothering me at 3:21 am u are now asking yourself
well everything
my anxiety is going nuts these past few days thinking about a lot of things
the usual
but then a major new one that is a re appearing special guest is
what the fuck do i talk about with my therapist to get her to fix me
my mom is making me see my therapist again
therapy stresses me out
and as i sit awake trying to think of what i need to say to correctly nudge my therapist into telling me what i'll need to be able to understand and work on aspects of myself is so draining
i wish i was a neat freak
my parents never were persistent about teaching me about hygiene
they just never really taught me much of anything
i would kinda just sit in my room for hours discovering that things start to decay when you leave them be
i tell people a lot of reason when they ask why i cut my hair
and all of these answers are always somewhat true
gender, heat, style etc
but maintenance
that was honestly the biggest
my hair has stressed me out for years
when my long hair gets wet and air drys on my neck my skin moulds
i get these white dots all over my neck and back
it's a skin fungus from my hair taking so long to dry
i used to take meds for it but it would always come back and then id get meds then it would come back etc etc
if i put my hair up while wet it moulds
gets all funky and i have to just wash it again
my hair produces so much natural oil that after a day of washing it's right back to greasy
i've tried every shampoo
every product
every routine
it does not matter it's immediately oily
which particularly sucks for someone who's brain is wired to reject any way for it to get me to be able to take care of myself
when i had long hair it would take me 45 mins to shower
my hair take so long to get wet then it just won't lather with shampoo until i pass it over at least twice then it barely needs conditioner because i know my hair will be greasy the day after but just the shampoo of my hair takes forever and is genuinely tiering
hairdressers would hate me because my hair is just annoying to work with
so my hair has caused me alot of grief and stress and cutting it has been so liberating
embarrassing fact i genuinely used to hate showering
i loathed every part
i showered the minimum i needed to get by without people genuinely being repulsed by me
and it was because of washing my hair
now that it's cut i shower usually every other (ish) day
and it takes me 5-10 mins
it's fuckin amazing it's the only thing i'm kinda proud of rn
like child me would not believe that i willingly get in the shower
which is gross ik but progress
i have a hard time cleaning not just me but anything
now i hate mould so i'm good at keeping things from rotting
but tidying and generally maintaining all the things humans are burdened with maintaining is just so hard for me
laundry is my nightmare i always accidentally leave my clothes in the machine and you guessed it they mould,,,,
mould is the bane of my existence
it just reminds me that i've accidentally neglected something detrimentally
if objects could die it would be rotting and moulding
i feel like i should have rotted away by now
from my parents neglect to my own i should be green and covered in fuzzy spores till i collapse into myself and am consumed down to a goo
anyways to sum it up welcome to ghosts 8 billionth blog post complaining about adhd and mold and stress and parents and neglect and
toodles 4 now ~
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