yasss whatever - Entry 4

SO, ive watched 5 more Marvel movies today and I'm so happy. Speaking of today it wasn't all productive. The only part that seemed merely productive is when I went to town with my bestie which was mediocre since I had no fucking money...well let me re phrase I didn't have ENOUGH money. I  currently have 2 pence in my bank account when I know for a fact I should have 45 pounds in it. Now your probably wondering, Leoni? What are you talking about?? WELL the shoe shop I work for haven't paid me yet and now I'm left sitting on my 2 pence balance bank account wondering whats taking so long like what he fuck I want my money rn. I'm sure they'll pay it, it's just I had to confirm some bank details which is why is was delayed to begin with, ill give it a few days and if there's no money in my broke ass account then I'll be ringing up the manager. I'm so not looking forward to work this weekend. I know in my last entry I had some sort of epiphany but all I did was eat a yummy doughnut. Maybe that's all I need to calm down, who fucking knows at this point. It feels like all I'm doing on here is complain about my work life, well news flash honey its not even bad its just....there. Like I dont even act like my real self there so I don't get the deal. Here's something I should worry about; the fact that I start college in a month and I haven't really started any of my summer tasks which are super important for my second most important year in college and my last which is why its so important. I need the headspace and physical space to do it tho and the though of all of these needs are killing me and giving my headaches and keeping me up at night... along with the fact I constantly dread going to work despite the fact I get 'paid' (I would say paid normally but I technically haven't been paid yet so-) to do the bare minimum. The way our brains work are so fucking ridiculous, well I would like to say mines working but at this point and with my type am I really one to say I have a fully, stable, working brain? It's been fun ranting, this shit calms me down and I'm loving it. I mean complaining about my life has never felt any better. Its the same when complaining about other people and honey I do it A LOT. I'm a gossiper and shit stirrer and talker. I have no shame in that. I blame everyone else tbh they shouldn't piss me off. I only talk crap about those that give me a reason too, like a real, personal, almost unforgivable reason to. For example I wouldn't dare judge or talk bad about someone walking past me because 1. they haven't done shit to me and 2. I dont know them enough to see their faults. What I'm saying (or what I'm trying but failing to say) is that people now are acting like they want to be talked about like are they really that desperate for attention? Okay no what I'm really trying to say is we all gossip and talk shit. When we have our own faults (bc lemme tell you we all do, ur not perfect at all, ur not even close) we start to engage in an overly long convo about how much more at fault another person in your life is about as mediocre as my job. We convince ourself and others that they are just a little bit more worse than you so it makes it okay to say what you want about them when in reality we are all the fucking same, like all of us someway somehow we are but still, that saying that ive have just created still, will pass my mind like all the internal advice I give myself whilst walking to complete another shift. It's good advice, good words but its just not enough. Besides it keeps the anxiety at bay and I know its selfish or whatever but we al are selfish things deep down, as long as we are content in the mind we don't care whoever we compromise. Yeah they might never know what you said about them that day when you were walking to school or when you were at McDonalds stuffing your fat face with those beautiful 99p chicken burgers...but I feel like they already know, it's like when you can just sense someones a piece of shit or if someones talking about you. idk about you but I have the biggest piece of shit detector in my mind. I could literally look at someone and be like 'yep they were talking shit about me' 'her, her and also her, those ugly bitches were totally just making fun out of my handwriting. (yes I'm regarding to a real life event I was picked on for my old fashioned handwriting style which I couldn't help at all.). The point IS, is that we all know what we think and we quite frankly dont give a fuck. I know I dont. like I'm constantly anxious AND running out of people to like so ofc I'm gonna make someone else look like an even bigger hot mess than I am. I think it's in all of our nature. We are all insecure and we all gossip. Dont even try and say 'ohhh no id not do shit like that, its so immature' bitch shut the fuck up you so do. You know what worse than talking shit? PRETENDING YOU DONT!! So dont even go there. It helps me and everyone else so I'll keep doing it and if it makes you feel any better, I even complain about myself, I mean ive probs done it here about 10 times or something and I feel great despite the fact I'm slowly committing the act of self-sabotage. Ehh im only human whatever. It's 1:11am and I'm acc getting tired even though I know for a fact it will take another 2 hours to fall asleep. I have a headache and its way too warm and I WILL NOT OPEN THE WINDOW BC JUST 2 HOURS AGO I GOT ATTACKED BY SOME FUCKING JUMPING SPIDER SO NO. fuck this goodnight.