come and go

today is a day of reflection. Yesterday was confrontation, today is for reflection. it is a passive day, a day of thought. a day to rethink, a day to ponder. Days like these, i stay at home, sitting for hours staring at something insignificant, letting the gears shift around in my head as I run over all the things that have happened to me as of late and reshift my world view. Probably going to do a shit ton of blogging!

So, lets start with the lovely fact that I am now single again. Whee, tried dating after a couple months, jumped into something way too fast with a virtual stranger who i cant even touch, and it ended quick as well! I knew, deep down, that this was the likely course of action. She asked me out without even really knowing me, and I, the lonely dumbass sad sap that I am, said yes. I dont blame her, I really shouldve known better? What was I thinking haha, it really shows that im new to this shit, and not a natural. Its probably my desperation, my deep desire for intimacy and deeper connection , that drove me to say yes. An impulse. it was stupid, but it taught me some lessons.

I got out of my comfort zone, i met someone who is very different from me. Thats good. I calmed down just a little, not exactly happy but atleast im not as much of a stuck up piece of shit. Look, im talking down to myself, I know, but i get a pass because im depressed and honestly should know better. Doing things quickly and without thinking things through is the surefire path for a quick grave in my life. That has only gotten me trouble in the past, and it really shows that I have to just be more meticulous. More analytic, more cautious. its a fucking brutal world. I cant just, go and do shit because I think i can. I have to really consider the reprecussions and contexts of my actions.

Because honestly? i dont wanna be the kind of person who goes on and off with different people weekly. I want something deep, intimate, personal; something fulfilling for me. I want to give someone a scrap of my soul for a while. I want to find someone who actually likes me for me, not because they are just as desperate as I am or bored and want to fuck around. When i dont take things seriously, i tend to hurt myself. I want to take dating seriously because i want serious things out of dating. I dont really find happyness out of whimsy, i find it out of stability. Thats something that takes planning.

She’s a nice person, its not like she was using me or anything. I just dont think i was the person she wanted, and either she thought i was someone else or i could act like someone else to fill her desire, to an extent. If anything, at the end she told me she already had someone else on her horizons, so she wasnt really taking this as seriously as I was. which is stupid, you want a partner who can match your temperments on the subject of dating and your relationship, or atleast for the two of you to find a common ground on what you want your relationship to be.

I guess it wasnt really working out for either of us, but I naively assumed that comfort takes time, and that settling into the relationship would make it more worthwhile. That wasnt how it was for my last relationship, i shouldve known better. If things are working, there shouldnt really be a doubt. You will know that they are working, they will feel like they are working. If something feels wrong, thats because something is wrong, and you have to figure out what it is if you want it to work out, or hell maybe the answer is that it wont work out and then you have to come to terms with that before you are stranded on a sinking ship.

People come and go. they drift in and out of my life, and no one really seems permanent. Im still grasping this concept of fleetingness, of the temporary. I get waaayyy too attached to people for my own good, and honestly its good that this thing, which was doomed to fail from the start, ended sooner than later. Shit still stings, but its not a pain i wont be able to bare. Im mostly annoyed with myself, if anything. Lonelyness joins me again… is what I would say if i hadnt felt this lonely for the last half week anyways. It wasnt really working out between us, we didnt build that bond, sparks wernt really there. Oh well.

So what now?

I guess im gonna have to stay adrift. I have to wait till next year to reignite my social life with irls anyways, but ill live with that. Ill do the most healing that I can in therapy, and lean on the relationships i still have. Ill survive, this isnt groundbreaking. Its more just like, embarrassing if anything, that I cant keep a relationship. I already have this strong sense of self-doubt and insecurity, and this kinda just feeds that fire for a while. It will all settle down and be forgotten eventually. I’m not gonna die on this hill (literally).

time to keep thinking