10/15/2021 3:47 PM

I mean, I told you this would happen, that I'm incapable of consistence with journaling. Oh well, I'm here now, so here's the update.

I'm in therapy now, yay. And it's covered by my insurance, double yay. And I actually like my therapist so far (we've only had one session though) so triple yay. However, things aren't going well other than that.

I've been bad the past week. I've missed my skincare routine two days in a row and I feel so shitty. My skin is the worst it's ever been and it's making me hate myself but I can't even suck it up and do the work to fix it. I know I'm beating myself but hush, this is the part where I vent.

I feel so guilty when I miss my routine for some reason. I think it's like, ugh, I need to be getting better, I know this routine will make me feel at least a little better, if I can just bite the bullet and do it. But I just really didn't want to. I hate myself for not being able to make myself do things. I know people tell you not to be hard on yourself but I legitimately think I need to be harder on myself sometimes and stop making excuses. 

Okay, enter my logical side. I know logically, it's like fine. I missed my skincare routine for two days, so what, it's not the end of the world. Hygiene doesn't even have any moral attachments so why should I feel guilty.

Okay, but like, everyone says I have to make myself better. There's no other way. Therapy and meds might help but in the end I have to do the work, in the end I have to make myself do it. Otherwise it just won't get done.

I don't know how to feel. Anyway, that happened, but today I'm committed to showering and skincare-ing. I mean whatever happened the last few days is already in the past. I can't change it, but I can decide what to do today. I mean plus I was a little under the weather the last couple days, I should cut myself some slack.

Okay I think my logical side won that argument.

I'm so stressed about other things though. I need to get on disability, that would take much stress off my shoulders, but that's hard. However I hope my new therapist can help me with those things. She's also talking about getting me diagnosed with autism already, so it must be pretty obvious lol. A formal diagnosis would make getting disability even easier, and I think my insurance would cover it.

I want to list everything that's stressing me out just to get it off my chest, but I can't. Seeing all my things written out in a to-do list would help me so much but my thoughts are too scattered to even get it together enough to write them down. I'm stressing myself out just thinking about it.

These things are important, I need to think about them, but I can't. I get too overwhelmed and just shut down the whole thought process and go dissociate on tik tok or something. I just keep telling myself maybe Rachel (my therapist) can help me with it all next week. 

I literally keep spacing out while writing this. That reminds me Rachel gave me homework, so I have to do that too. I'm supposed to 1. Time myself doing something mundane to see how long my attention span is and 2. Start making a timeline of my life/traumatic experiences. I'm so stressed and overwhelmed and it never goes away, I just ignore it. No wonder I'm so fucking tired all the time.

I think I just discovered that I'm in a constant state of panic in the background. Rachel will be dying to hear this.

Okay that's about all I can handle so here's a positive thing. Today I did some exercise. I've been wanting to try and have healthier habits. I did like 20 mins of a Leslie Sansone video today. Enough to get a bit warm and sweaty. I also did it with the windows open to kind of double the anti depression effects with a little vitamin D. Then I drank some water after. And I plan on showering. So that's good. I guess.

Oh yeah I forgot. I called off work today. So I hate myself for that too. ("work" meaning I sometimes wash dishes and get paid under the table at this local restaurant lol) Now I won't have money for weed this week, which as we all know, is the only thing that makes me not want to kill myself. Yay me.