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when i get like this i just want to shut down and isolate
i have so many plans this week but i feel like i'm just trying to keep busy so i don't have to be alone
and yet i wanna run and hide
find some reason to hate everyone i know
and just go back to being alone
but then the isolation turns to self deprecation
and i want people to fill the void
so i make plans
and then i bail
and the cycle repeats
...
i don't know how to segway but i wanna talk about other stuff
i wish i got a highschool romance
i don't think anyone has ever really loved me like that
a lot of my friends have at least had one long term relationship
but i've never had one
and i'm not saying i deserve it or need it
but it would be nice
i've gone through so many "talking stages" (side note i hate that it's called that)
i'm so tired of it
the small talk and the disappointment when it never goes into anything
i've hooked up with people but i kinda hate that too
just feels so meaningless
and honestly i'm not that into sex anyways
pleasure and all that is fun but having sex makes me so vulnerable and adhd doesn't help because i've never had sex and not gotten bored halfway through
i know i'm not ace because it's not like i don't like sex
but it's just not that important to me
and it seems like all people want is to bang
i also hate the acting involved with sex
i'm boring to bang because i don't put on a show
i don't like the false persona people put on to be "sexy"
they change their voice and how they emote
all as an effort to emulate something they have been told is sexy by porn or by the media
it's just so cringe to me
like if i find someone sexy it's because of their personality but then they try and be "sexy" and it just instantly just ruins it for me
idk maybe i'm the weird one for that but i just can't help it
...
i really like meeting people organically
something about swiping through an app like it's a menu
reading descriptions that is either the same 5 answers or somewhat resembling a brief resume is so boring
takes out all the fun of getting to know people
and dear god the dry texting makes me wanna jump off a cliff
dating apps should just be renamed to hookup apps
because they genuinely work better as that
don't lie and say this is a good way for people to build real connections
maybe i just also suck at dating apps
...
well that's all i could think to talk about
guess i'll head to sleep
had a decent day today
still feel like shit though
whatever my sad lonely rant is over lol
toodles4now~~~
Comments
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marshy<3
i think sex is the most fun without the acting where instead you just have a good time and laugh a lot and it’s basically just a hang out session with fucking going on
\Jeremizh/
I think it gets better. I think the times when you don’t think about it are the times when it does get better. But much like this moment, the good doesn’t last forever. I think it’s this weird worlds way of balancing things. And each time is gets worse. I just want you to know you aren’t alone in that feeling and that while it doesn’t immediately get better it doesn’t immediately get worse yk? Idk, but I understand