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been a while since i blogged
was working a lot but got #fired so that's fun
except it's the opposite of fun
i'm so upset
it sucks being disabled and trying to find work
i don't like to talk about it a lot because i feel like most my friends don't understand
from a young age just wanting to scoop out my brain and fix it
i wanna be able to read properly
i wanna be able to function
i wanna be able to understand
but i just don't
there is no pill i can take
there is no routine i can do
the wires just didn't connect
it's so embarrassing sometimes having to one tell people i'm disabled but to also have to convince them
i sometimes wish instead of my brain it was my legs or arms or something people could see
so i didn't have to keep proving my faults
finding work that didn't make me wanna die was hard
and i still managed to fuck it up
because of something i always fuck up
my memory has been my undoing for my whole life
teachers stop believing
parents stop believing
bosses stop believing
but i always continue forgetting
there is no end
i forget things i love, hate, need, want
i forget to feed myself i forget to take care of my cat i forget people are related to me i forget friends i forget plans i forget important events i forget memories
i just want to wake up and not have to fight my own brain to survive
i wanna be able to work
i wanna do school successfully
i wanna keep friendships
i just don't wanna be a disappointment
i feel like i've failed everyone
i feel like i can't take much more failure
my whole life has just been one fuck up after another
it's been a downwards spiral the past little while
i'm so tired
everytime i think about moving out
about paying bill
keeping a job
working who knows how many hours a week
a none stop cycle
it makes me want to quit
log off
tap out
and i see so many other people just able to do it
and i'm so fortunate
i have good resources
i'm just such a piece of shit that i can't manage anything on my own
and i'm incapable of taking care of myself
i feel like such a burden
toodles4now
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