im finally 'pretty' but it feels so fake (a rant by muah)

I just think its a little sad to think that from the age of ten I was trying so hard to be viewed as pretty.

since I was a kid I've been through vicious cycles of starving myself, isolation, and self hatred all because I didn't fit the beauty standard. the beauty standard that told an 11 year old they had to look a certain way to be loved. middle school didn't help in the slightest either lmao, i was always asked out as a joke and if anyone said that their friend liked me they would physically cringe

but now I've lost weight, I've refined my clothing style, my makeup is always done to look a certain way, I forced myself to be an extrovert with a dash of manic pixie dream girl, and the worst part is that it worked. 

only then did i feel respected based off my looks. people view me in a completely different only because i destroyed myself to be 'pretty'. ex; my interest in bugs was always seen as weird, but now its quirky? 

it just feels shitty to know that my worth as a human, in other peoples eyes, is based on how pretty i am, but now that I have it, I just feel plastic.

I feel like im putting on an act all the time, and it makes me feel so fake it hurts, but its all i know how to do :/