Alive, dying, dead

Since the suns out and it's the summer, I've been seeing a lot more of alive, dying, and dead animals in my neighbourhood. 

When something or someone is alive we usually take it as face value; you are living and breathing with a life that only you can fully understand, comprehend, and live. I see bunnies running around my area a lot. I always try to pay extra attention to them as they run by, to see what their mannerisms are like. Do they jerk their heads the same way that birds or chipmunks do when they hear me coming closer? And what are the chances it'll stay near to me or run away? And will it hurt me or will I hurt it? 

A few weeks ago me and marsh went walking around a bit and we came across a bunny at the side of the sidewalk. It wasn't moving, it looked like it was lying down, but upon further inspection it's legs were bent all the way backwards. Seeing this made me implode. What can I possibly do for a dying animal that won't scare it off and hurt it more? Marsh tried calling some animal services but I think it was close to midnight at that point so there wasn't anything we could do. We tried giving it a leaf and it scraped itself towards the grass. All we could do at that point was walk away and hope it died peacefully or found a way to live somehow. All of the people in my life who had passed did so abruptly. There was no goodbye period, only the discovery of their death and the life I lived afterwards, dealing with it. So I don't know what it is like to have someone dying near me, at least in an explicit way. But with this bunny, I figured there was literally nothing I could do. So in that brief instance, where I was nowhere personally close to the bunny, in a small amount nevertheless I had to fully understand acceptance. I had to come to terms that nothing can or will last forever, bunnies and humans included, and I cannot save anything that isn't meant to be saved. I do not know bunny aid. I don't know how to save a human. I have a terrible idea of saving people through what I learned in tvs and movies, but when will I ever have a belt to tie off a torn off limb. 

When something is dead there is nothing you can do. At that point you cannot wish you could've saved it, because it is already too late and it's guts are on the road in front of you. I see a lot of roadkill. I almost hit a bunny a few days ago. When an animals life is known to you because there is a bump on the road, it makes u consider writing some stupid blog about it. Grief was such a prominent thing in my life during high school. When my first friend passed away, I was in complete shock. I had never had anyone in my life somewhat close to me die before. And when my second friend passed away, I felt hollow. Was it fucked up for me to say I was used to it? 

Those are separate blogs for another time. Grief, my friendship with David, and my friendship with Hurricane. 

When someone you know is dead, they are literally just gone. A few nights ago I was laying in my bed, admittedly having gone through a while without thinking about either friend that died. And then I remembered, you are gone, you will not come back, I have lost you forever and I have to deal with it. At such an early point of my life, what is considered a tiny sliver, is something I have to carry around for the rest of my life. And most people I know don't know that I have two people from my life just missing. And I don't want people to know in the "I am hurting" kind of way, but in the "everything is different for me now" kind of way. That I cannot look into someone's eyes without wondering what the future is like for them, how they will die, how they will exit my life, willingly or abruptly or by dying. I cannot look at your skin and see you as pale or dark, but instead someone who is so easily mendable- I can scratch you and your skin will tear in the slightest, I can bite you so hard and your blood will pool out, I can kick you and punch you and you will bruise. Hmmm. I wont do those things by the way. 

It's even harder when someone you love is so distant from you because they do not want to live so they are bitter, rotten, because they are hurting, and slowly they are dying. But what can I do except cry, stay away from you, and hope you find your own way. It is selfish of me to keep a distance from you, but if I come anywhere near I will only fall into the same position you are in. 

Sigh. I'm at work right now. Things in my life are different than the last time I blogged, but in a good way. There is someone in my life right now that makes it easy to forget all of this, but once again I feel I am rushing and not taking things as slow as I should. It'll be easier if I focus on one day at a time. It'll be betterrrrr. Peace!