paranoid anxiety

well, anyways... back to the topic of this blog entry!
i hate it when i can't control things. when certain things are dependent on the decision of others. when i book a train ride across half the country but i'm worried that i'm gonna miss the next train because german trains are usually late and unreliable and then i'll have to wait an hour in the middle of nowhere. i can't control that. i hate not being in control. i feel like i'm in serious danger when this happens, like all safety left me. and because i'm a hardcore pessimist, i'm always convinced that the worst possible outcome is gonna happen. because good things just don't happen to me (or at least that's what i strongly believe).

my boyfriend and i finally adopted two adorable cats. today is their second day in our home and both of them seem to feel very comfortable with us. it could be perfect; a dream come true. but i'm a stupid fucking idiot and forgot to prepare the most important thing anyone should do before a adopting a pet: ask their landlord for permission.
i don't know how it is in other countries, but in germany you have to get the permission of your landlord to own a cat or dog. i didn't think about doing that because some of our neighbors have cats and dogs. i just assumed that this meant they would allow it anyway, so i didn't think that it was that necessary to contact the landlord about it and we could do without. 

turns out it is a bigger deal than i thought. especially since i signed the contract at the animal shelter in which it's also written that you have to have the permission, i grew more anxious. i'm such a fucking idiot. my boyfriend was relaxed as usual and said that they'll never find out about the cats because we never see our landlord. in my head there was the question i always ask when i'm having anxiety: "what if they do tho?"

the tiniest possibility that it all goes wrong always wins my inner arguments. so we decided to call the landlord tomorrow and act like we didn't already adopt them. (or rather that my bf will call them because i'm scared). i'm so paranoid, i don't know what we'll do when they say no! 

the logical part inside me knows that there's a 90% chance that won't happen.

it's the rule to ask for permission because it says so in our rental contract, but the whole law around that is a little chaotic.

the landlord can't forbid us from owning cats without a good reason (and his own personal opinion doesn't count as one). i researched and there are just 4 possible reasons they could have and none of them apply to us:

1. too much pets

    - we don't have any yet and are just planning to take in 2 cats, which is a reasonable                number

2. allergic neighbours

    - if there were any in this house the neigbours wouldn't have cats or dogs + our cats                won't leave the flat because they're purely indoor cats

3. noise pollution

    - i don't think that's gonna be an issue + our upstairs neighbours are much louder and no          one cares

4. destruction of property inside the flat

    - we're safe because we moved into an unrenovated flat with holes in the walls and are            leaving the flat the same which it says in our contract (the cats couldn't make the walls          or floor look worse than it already was)

see? it's almost impossible they'll say no. also what reasoning could they possibly have to allow our neighbours' pets but not ours? 

i'm still scared. i hoped writing this would easy my nerves but i don't feel like it worked. i need to chill. i try to tell myself that it's all gonna be okay and that i'm just overthinking things. i really need my therapist rn.

idk if i'll write an update tomorrow. i hope that i'm gonna be so relieved about the outcome that i'll forget about writing another blog lmao